WARNING: The language in this post is slightly more...colorful than my usual writing style. But please know that there's nothing in this post that wasn't said in my living room, by my children's grandparents!
*Facebook 4/7/11 - Today is "National No-Housework Day" AND "National Beer Day." Coincidence? I think not. #doeswinecount?
*Facebook 4/7/11 (on Bill’s page) - Dear Bill, Please see my Facebook status for advance warning and explanation of why the house will be messy when you get home.
*Facebook 4/7/11 - Surprise! Bill's mom and dad just showed up! Yay! (Oops, didn't know they were coming and already started celebrating National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day)
When Bill’s parents walked in to my house and found dirty dishes, an un-swept floor and my friend and I on our 3rd glass of wine at 4:30 in the afternoon, they didn’t judge. They just popped open a Bud and joined us. They would’ve done that even if it weren’t National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day. The kids were thrilled to see them as Grandma and Grandpa brought two more dogs and lots of hugs and smiles. When most people come to visit – announced or otherwise – we feel the need to entertain them all weekend. Not Marla and Lewis. They are just as happy to sit around playing cards, drinking coffee and beer (depending on whether it is before or after noon), watching the kids and dogs run around, and shooting the [poop]. I try to participate in these conversations, but most of the time I feel like I’m at a comedy show in a foreign country. I have no idea what anyone’s talking about, but I know it’s funny!
South Dakota to Boston Translations
Hotter than a two dollar pistol = Wicked mad
[Butt]-deep to a tall giraffe = Wicked deep (usually referring to snow)
Smuckin’ Fart = Wicked Smaht *I didn’t say it! My kids’ grandpa did!
Colder than a well-digger’s [butt] = Wicked cold.
Jumpin’ around like a cat on a hot tin roof = Wicked nervous
I hear you cluckin’ big chicken = I heah ya (Boston to English translation = I hear you)
Salad = anything mixed in a bowl. I was very surprised the first time a friend showed up with marshmallow salad. (Note to Bostonians – there’s no lettuce in that.)
Hosed = Screwed
Busier than a three-legged cat covering his [poop] = Wicked busy
Slicker than Snot = Icy
As worthless as a one-legged guy in a [butt]-kicking contest = Good for nothing
Stay in the truck = I have this situation under control
Dumber than a box of rocks = Wicked Dumb
Oh put = Oh [darn]
Workin’ like a stink bug rollin’ a turd uphill = Working hahd
Sell the farm = Give up
Bought the farm = Died
Deader than a doornail = Wicked dead.
Busted = Broke
Got you over a barrel = See “hosed”
Chicken Feed = Small coins, as in “workin’ for chicken feed”
Easy as falling off a log = Wicked Easy
Happier than a pig in a poke = Wicked happy
Putting on the dog = trying to impress other people
Finer than a frog’s hair = Wicked fancy
Living high on the hog = Yuppie
Go off half cocked = Half baked idea
Put the screws to = cheating someone (usually ends with someone being hosed)
Dragging up or Twisting off = Quitting
Cuter than a bug’s ear = Wicked Cute
Running around like a fart in a whirlwind = Busy
Crazier than a pet ‘coon = Wicked Crazy
That’s funny, I don’t care who ya are = Wicked funny, to anyone
There’s a hundred ways to say you’re leaving:
Off like a turd of hurdles
Off like a prom dress
Make like a baby and head out
Pull up stakes
Drag up
Make like sheep herders and get the flock outta here (this one was added by my South-Dakota transplanted son)
And very descriptive ways to talk about the weather:
Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock = Pouring.
Turd Floater = flood
Skiff of snow = Light flurries
Light Flurries = Nor’easter
But there is one category of translations I don’t mess around with: food. Although Bill’s dad makes some delicious dishes (mostly full of cream and butter), one of his favorite pastimes is threatening to hide weird food in my dinner. I live in fear.
Things I won’t eat:
Rocky Mountain Oysters = calf nuts
Squirrel Soup = soup made from squirrels
Chicken Gizzards = The inside part of the chicken that grinds up the food
Tripe = pig guts
Beaver tail = exactly what it sounds like
Sweet Breads = milk gland from the baby calf
Other weird parts of the cow I’m not eating = tongue, brain
Pork Rinds = fried pork butt
Lutefisk = Fish Jello
Pickled pigs feet, pickled eggs, anything pickled that isn’t a pickle.
Note to self: Pack granola bars for Thanksgiving this year.
© Jody Hoffman 2011
I like to read your blogs really its very nice.
Posted by: funny facebook statuses | 11/09/2011 at 02:05 AM
Reminds me of that McDonald's coffee commercial they have out here with all the Eastern slang...Best Broadway musical evah? WICKED!
Posted by: Marthamormon | 05/23/2011 at 11:45 AM
That post was Wicked Awesome!
Posted by: Lindsay | 05/11/2011 at 09:29 PM
OMG, I love reading your posts. :)
Posted by: Becky | 05/11/2011 at 09:04 AM
You forgot one!!!! It'll all come out in the wash! (sigh) I'm so disappointed... ;P
Once again, thanks for the belly laugh!!!
Love ya!
Posted by: Marthamormon | 05/11/2011 at 07:46 AM
Do we Bostonians really use "wicked" so much? Yep.
Posted by: Pat | 05/11/2011 at 07:12 AM