South Dakota to Boston Translations

WARNING: The language in this post is slightly more...colorful than my usual writing style. But please know that there's nothing in this post that wasn't said in my living room, by my children's grandparents!

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Today is "National No-Housework Day" AND "National Beer Day." Coincidence? I think not. #doeswinecount?

*Facebook 4/7/11 (on Bill’s page) - Dear Bill, Please see my Facebook status for advance warning and explanation of why the house will be messy when you get home.

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Surprise! Bill's mom and dad just showed up! Yay! (Oops, didn't know they were coming and already started celebrating National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day)

When Bill’s parents walked in to my house and found dirty dishes, an un-swept floor and my friend and I on our 3^rd glass of wine at 4:30 in the afternoon, they didn’t judge. They just popped open a Bud and joined us. They would’ve done that even if it weren’t National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day. The kids were thrilled to see them as Grandma and Grandpa brought two more dogs and lots of hugs and smiles. When most people come to visit – announced or otherwise – we feel the need to entertain them all weekend. Not Marla and Lewis. They are just as happy to sit around playing cards, drinking coffee and beer (depending on whether it is before or after noon), watching the kids and dogs run around, and shooting the [poop]. I try to participate in these conversations, but most of the time I feel like I’m at a comedy show in a foreign country. I have no idea what anyone’s talking about, but I know it’s funny!

South Dakota to Boston Translations

Hotter than a two dollar pistol = Wicked mad

[Butt]-deep to a tall giraffe = Wicked deep (usually referring to snow)

Smuckin’ Fart = Wicked Smaht *I didn’t say it! My kids’ grandpa did!

Colder than a well-digger’s [butt] = Wicked cold.

Jumpin’ around like a cat on a hot tin roof = Wicked nervous

I hear you cluckin’ big chicken = I heah ya (Boston to English translation = I hear you)

Salad = anything mixed in a bowl. I was very surprised the first time a friend showed up with marshmallow salad. (Note to Bostonians – there’s no lettuce in that.)

Hosed = Screwed

Busier than a three-legged cat covering his [poop] = Wicked busy

Slicker than Snot = Icy

As worthless as a one-legged guy in a [butt]-kicking contest = Good for nothing

Stay in the truck = I have this situation under control

Dumber than a box of rocks = Wicked Dumb

Oh put = Oh [darn]

Workin’ like a stink bug rollin’ a turd uphill = Working hahd

Sell the farm = Give up

Bought the farm = Died

Deader than a doornail = Wicked dead.

Busted = Broke

Got you over a barrel = See “hosed”

Chicken Feed = Small coins, as in “workin’ for chicken feed”

Easy as falling off a log = Wicked Easy

Happier than a pig in a poke = Wicked happy

Putting on the dog = trying to impress other people

Finer than a frog’s hair = Wicked fancy

Living high on the hog = Yuppie

Go off half cocked = Half baked idea

Put the screws to = cheating someone (usually ends with someone being hosed)

Dragging up or Twisting off = Quitting

Cuter than a bug’s ear = Wicked Cute

Running around like a fart in a whirlwind = Busy

Crazier than a pet ‘coon = Wicked Crazy

That’s funny, I don’t care who ya are = Wicked funny, to anyone

There’s a hundred ways to say you’re leaving:

Off like a turd of hurdles

Off like a prom dress

Make like a baby and head out

Pull up stakes

Drag up

Make like sheep herders and get the flock outta here (this one was added by my South-Dakota transplanted son)

And very descriptive ways to talk about the weather:

Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock = Pouring.

Turd Floater = flood

Skiff of snow = Light flurries

Light Flurries = Nor’easter

But there is one category of translations I don’t mess around with: food. Although Bill’s dad makes some delicious dishes (mostly full of cream and butter), one of his favorite pastimes is threatening to hide weird food in my dinner. I live in fear.

Things I won’t eat:

Rocky Mountain Oysters = calf nuts

Squirrel Soup = soup made from squirrels

Chicken Gizzards = The inside part of the chicken that grinds up the food

Tripe = pig guts

Beaver tail = exactly what it sounds like

Sweet Breads = milk gland from the baby calf

Other weird parts of the cow I’m not eating = tongue, brain

Pork Rinds = fried pork butt

Lutefisk = Fish Jello

Pickled pigs feet, pickled eggs, anything pickled that isn’t a pickle.

Note to self: Pack granola bars for Thanksgiving this year.