How to Pack 6 Kids for a Month Or: Why won’t they let me take this rum through security?

Step 1. Do laundry.  Do ALL the laundry.  You will need every pair of underwear you can find.

Step 2. Start making piles.  You can ask the children to help you, if you’d like.  In my experience, doing so will increase the amount of time it takes to complete step 2 by approximately 3,000 percent.  Child labor, in this case, will also add to the possibility that you will end up in your destination without socks, sweatshirts...or the whiniest child.   Regardless, every child will need:

            -4 pairs of shorts

            -2 pairs of long pants

            -5 pairs of underwear

            -5 pairs of socks

            -3 pairs of pajamas

            -1 sweatshirt

            -1 raincoat

            -1 pair of sandals

            -1 pair of sneakers

            -1 pair of dress shoes

            -1 dressy outfit

            -2 bathing suits

            -1 hat

            -1 “lovey”

            -1 toothbrush

            -1 Hairbrush

            -4-8 books

            -1 Ds, Dsi or PSP

            -1 ipod

            -Chargers for Ds, Dsi or PSP and ipod

            -1 Backpack full of snacks for the airplane

This list, of course, assumes that you are a) traveling in the summertime and b) going to my mom’s house and she will do all of your laundry for you.  If you are going to someplace cold, someplace without washing machines, or someplace without my mother, good luck, my friend – you’re on your own.

Step 3. They will not need (although they will try to pack):

            -Winter Coats

            -Roller Skates

            -Bicycle Helmets

            -Breakfast Cereal

            -Ride-on Mechanical Pony

            -Power Wheels Jeep

            -75 Barbie Dolls

            -Barbie Dream House

            -Last year’s sneakers that don’t fit anymore but are their “FAAV-RITTE.”

            -The next-door neighbor

            -Your dog(s)

Step 4.  Once you have located the 240 items that they do need and weeded out the 96 things they do not, now you are ready to start putting items in suitcases.  Here’s a sample dialogue you may need to use with your husband at this point:

            Wife: Honey?  Can you do me a quick favor?

            Husband:  Sure, Darling, whatever you need (or something along that general theme.  If you have been as obnoxious to your husband while packing as I usually am, this may go more like, “WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?”  But just go with it.)

            Wife:  Would you please bring me the suitcases from the basement?

            Husband:  Which ones?

            Wife:  Um, All of them.

            Husband: (chuckles) No, really, which ones?

            Wife: (smiles sweetly) No, really, ALL of them.

            Husband: (grumbles to himself as he walks down the stairs to the basement and returns with 6-8 suitcases)

            Wife: Thank you, Sweetie. (or other term of endearment that secretly, in your head, means Jerkface) 

            Husband:  (under his breath) No big deal, just paying $20 per bag each way across the freakin’ country…

            Wife: (Pretends not to hear.  Starts loading items.)

Step 5.  Now get ready to pack yourself.  Depending on how many different events/activities you will attend on your vacation, pack between 5 and 35 outfits.  (I usually lean towards 20 just to be safe.) Make sure to pack accessories!  Cross-reference your outfits with events, shoes and jewelry.  Now add make-up, hair products and lotion.  It is probably best to zip this suitcase shut before your husband comes back.

Step 6.  Time to pack your husband!  (Unless he is one of those special-edition husbands who packs himself AND ends up in your destination with underwear and a toothbrush.)  Throw 5 polo shirts, a couple of pairs of khaki shorts, flip flops and a pair of sneakers in a bag.  Add the underwear and toothbrush.  His stuff will probably even fit in with one of the kids’ suitcases.  He doesn’t care what he’s wearing, anyway.

Step 7. Weigh the suitcases.  The airlines will limit you to one 50-pound bag per person. Overweight bags will cost more.  In order to weigh suitcases, one must step on the scale alone, then step on the scale while holding the bag and finally, subtract the first weight from the second one.  Get one of your (strong) children or your husband (if he’s still speaking to you) to do this project for you.  Under no circumstances should you ever stand on a scale the day before you go on vacation.  (Especially if one of the outfits you packed is a bathing suit.)

If one suitcase is overweight, transfer items to a lower-weight suitcase.  You may have to do this and re-weigh the suitcases several times before you get it exactly right.  Whatever you do, don’t remove any shoes.  Pack an extra suitcase if you have to.  Accept that your husband will not understand the necessity for this many pairs of shoes.  You and I both know whichever pair you leave behind will be the ones you wish you had when you get there!  Your husband’s suitcase, since he needs next-to-nothing, is a great place to hide an extra pair of heels or two. 

 

*Facebook 5/31/11 – Packing.  Bill does not understand why I have so many shoes.  I told him Cinderella is proof that sometimes all you need is a really great pair of shoes.  He is un-impressed.

 

Step 8. Now on to carry-ons.  Each child will need only one item to keep them entertained throughout the entire flight.  The problem is, it is impossible to know which item that is until you get on the plane, and if you guess and are wrong…well, let’s just say you won’t be flying the Friendly Skies.  You’ll be flying the Lady-Why-Can’t-You-Just-Control-Your-Stinkin’-Kids Skies.  The good news is that both previously mentioned airlines will serve rum for a nominal cost. 

In order to try to have the correct item on hand, pack as many things in your child’s backpack as possible.  Test the weight by placing it on your child’s back and asking them to walk down the street.  Take out items until they stop whining.

Step 9.  Label.  Make sure all of your bags and carry-ons are correctly labeled with your name, phone number and airline.  If you are as neurotic as I am, or if any of your children wander as easily as mine do, you may want to consider labeling the children too.  I find that a shipping label size works the best.  I usually use a message such as this:

IF YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO THIS LABEL THAT YOU CAN READ IT AND NO ONE IS HOLDING MY HAND, PLEASE CALL MY MOM!  And then a number. 

I have also found that a simple identification including my cell phone, Bill’s cell phone number and our airline is just as effective in making me feel secure enough to actually take six kids to an airport. 

 

Step 10.  Load the car. If you have a car big enough to hold 6 children, 2 adults and enough baggage for a month, pack everything inside.  (Then, please leave a comment below and tell me what it is – my Honda Pilot is awesome, but…no way!)  If not, stack things on the roof and ask your husband to tie them down.  (If he’s still not talking to you because you were so obnoxious while packing, then just send one of the kids to ask.)

 

Step 11.  You’re ready!  Have fun!  Good Luck.  You know that saying about how the fun is in the journey, not in the destination?  Not today.

© Jody Hoffman 2011

Comments

[Vanita]

Pat's idea "What about writing your phone number on their stomachs in sharpie pen." is bloody genius too.

[Vanita]

Ride-on Mechanical Pony - LMAO

I love the labeling the kids idea. pure genius!

[Sylvia @ Frolic Through Life]

I thought traveling with one child was bad!

I'm following you from Bloggy Moms. Check me out at http://frolic-through-life.blogspot.com and @xsylvia on Twitter!

[Denise]

LOLOLOL love your post. Happy traveling.

[Christine]

This is too funny - great post - loved the pic of everyone's clothes on the bed - classic!

Following you from Bloggy Moms -

Follow me back at www.insightfulmommy.com and twitter @insightfulmommy

Many thanks!

[Judy Camel]

Good job! Now all you need is a vacation away from your vacation! LOL :)

Am your newest follower, hope you will return the favor and follow mine...Judy

[Ro @ Mommy MindSpa]

Oh my! Every word is so true!!! I truly enjoyed this post! Thanks! That reminds me why I don't travel very often anymore!!!
Ro :)
Have YOU had your Mom-ME Moment today?
http://www.MommyMindSpa.com

[Pat]

What about writing your phone number on their stomachs in sharpie pen. I heard of a mom doing that before she sent her 4 year old on a preschool field trip!