You Just Got Blended

Remember how your mom told you, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all?” Well, folks, how about this one: If you see someone desperately trying to wrangle 6 kids covered in mud, chocolate or spaghetti sauce, running, screaming or pinching each other, and you don’t have anything helpful to say, Just.Shut.Up.

There are two sentences I have heard enough times in the past year to last a lifetime, so be warned.

1. Wow! You have your hands full!

If you say this to me, please be prepared to offer your own hands to assist me. I WILL be handing one of the children to you, and it’s either going to be the one who’s screaming or the one covered in something gross.

2. Are they ALL yours? (Choose a response):

-Yes, but you can have one. I get to pick.

-No. Just this one is mine. I don’t know why all those other ones keep following me around.

-Just.Shut.Up

Perhaps people are inclined to say these things to me because when my family goes out, we do not visit stores, restaurants and landmarks…we invade them. Waitresses cry, store owners cringe and hide valuables, security guards call for back up. I think I should have some sort of card I hand out to people after we descend on their establishment. "You just got...Blended." This was especially apparent on our day trip to Plymouth and Cape Cod last Tuesday. It started immediately and lasted all day…

Sorry Dunkin’ Donuts – we didn’t mean to change our mind thirty times, force a line to continue out the door, spill three frozen hot chocolates and somehow get jelly filling on the doorknobs to both bathrooms… You just got Blended.

Sorry Plymouth Rock Gift Shop – we promise to pay you back for the broken shot glass and I think at some point you’ll probably be able to find the correct location for all the stuffed animals, shells and magnets we moved.

*Facebook - Plymouth Rock Gift Shop: You've just been Blended. #sorry #butwespentalotof$

Sorry Mayflower II Replica – we know you are a historical landmark and we understand why you were angry when we tried to climb out of the port holes and pull down the sails. We really just wanted to look down through the cracks in the deck at the water anyway. You just got Blended.

After we felt that Plymouth had been sufficiently Blended, we decided to take the kids to the beach. Since we were looking at the ocean, we didn’t think it would be that difficult. Bill and I used to do this thing where we would just drive until the GPS map turned blue and find a beach. We flew by the seat of our pants and didn’t worry about the outcome. This does not work with six kids. They want the beach NOW. They don’t like spending 2 hours in the car looking for the freakin’ beach because the GPS doesn’t understand what private roads or U-turns are. They are tired. And they need to eat. And they don’t wanna sit in this stinkin’ car anymore.

*Facebook – Bill and I and the six kids are currently lost in the middle of Cape Cod, inexplicably incapable of finding a beach. I think we just “Blended” ourselves.

Finally, I gave up trying to navigate or use any form of electronic assistance and told Bill to find the stinkin’ beach. He pulled over, asked directions and had us at a beach in 4 minutes. This is why I should not be in charge.

*Facebook - Hey Beach: You’re on notice. As we pulled in, one kid said, "Wow, it’s so quiet here!" And another said, "AHHHHHH! THE BEACH!"...You’re gonna get Blended.

The kids had a wonderful time at the beach and everything was fairly calm (other than the obvious water-fighting, crab-catching and seaweed-throwing), until Emily’s beach ball started blowing down the beach…and into the ocean. By the time anyone noticed, it was 50 yards out to sea. I apologized and told her it was too far to swim and we would have to get another one later. But before she could even form the tears, Bill came racing down the beach Baywatch-style and dove into the waves. He swam and swam and swam until he reached the ball, which was now an entire football field away from the shore. Then he tried desperately to catch it, apparently realizing that there was no way he could make it back without a floatation device. After reaching for and missing the drifting ball 10 times, he finally captured it. The kids watched and cheered… until they lost interested and ran back down the beach. As I chased after them, a man on the beach remarked, “So you’re just gonna leave him out there, are ya?” Sorry dude, I’ve got one parent half-drowning at sea and six kids trying to drown each other – this beach just got Blended.

That tiny dot off in the horizon is Bill...

As we packed our sandy, wet children into the cars, Bill asked a local man where would be a good place to take sandy, wet children to eat dinner. The man recommended a place in the cute little town on Main Street. In hindsight, we probably should not have trusted this man as a good resource. His two perfectly dressed children had stood next to him during our entire conversation without interrupting until the end when they politely said, “Excuse us, Papa, would it be all right if we went over to the sand, please? We promise not to go into the water until you join us.” Maybe his version of kid-friendly restaurant was not the same as ours. We were pretty much looking for a padded room filled with bouncy balls.

*Facebook - Ok-you vote. The children's menu at the Cape Cod restaurant we just walked into says: “For Well-Behaved Children..." Do we Blend them? Or cut them a break and go find a McDonalds?

As it turned out when we went back to the hostess to politely excuse ourselves, she informed us sweetly that the restaurant actually had two parts, a formal dinning room, and a tavern side with an arcade. Oh! That’s where we belong. Then we went on to have a wonderful dinner and would like to recommend that you try the Chatham Squire TAVERN (not dining room) if you ever end up on Cape Cod. (Unless, of course, you have Stepford Children, in which case head on over to the formal dining room.) By the way, if you can get Sara to be your waitress, even better – she sure understands how to handle a table-full of kids, and doesn't mind if you fling mash potatoes at her!

Exhausted and happy, we pulled back into Nana and Pop’s house around 11pm. And then decided to wake the kids up early the next morning and take them into the city. I know what you’re thinking – We have our hands full…and our brain’s empty!

*Facebook - Oh no! Nap time and we're in the middle of Boston! Sorry Guy-at-Fanueil-Hall-that's-wearing Levi's-soda...you just got Blended.