Chaos has returned to the Bunch Home – with a vengeance! Bill and I drove to Missoula, Montana with his three kids to pick up my three kids from their Dad. They’ve been with him in Seattle for the past seven weeks – the longest seven weeks of my life! (In case you need help with the calculations, that means that Bill and I spent 22 hours in the car with three kids and then 22 hours in the car with six kids…all within 5 days. My car will never be the same. I may need therapy.) I also realized something around the third hour in the car ride home – my “no” button appeared to be broken.
Mom, can we stop for ice cream even though it’s 10am? N…Yes.
Mom, can we listen to that awful rap station on the radio in the car? Really Loud? N…Yes.
Mom, can I have a cookie for lunch? N…Yes.
So here’s the deal. I’m apparently racked with mom-guilt over being away from them, even though it was out of my control. Also, I’m not above buying my way out of it.
On the first night we were all together, we played a game called How-Many-People-Can-Talk-At-The-Same-Time. It lasted about 3 hours days. The kids were all tripping over their own tongues to tell each other about all of the excitement of the summer. I don’t think they were really listening to the actual words of the other people – it was mostly just mutual admiration of their ability to fill the air with noise. I wish I had made a recording of it to play for myself next time I’m feeling sorry for myself because my house is too quiet.
After the little kids had been put to bed, the big kids were still yapping away, soaking up each other’s voices. Hannah asked if she could speak to Bill and me in private.
I am a sixth grade language arts teacher. One of the units I teach is on persuasive writing. Hannah has obviously never participated in my class, but apparently she has been going through my lesson plans, because she presented organized point-by-point reasoning in an emotionally controlled persuasive speech which was impossible to rebut. (Even if my no-button had been working.)
Unfortunately, the speech was entitled: “The Five Reasons We Deserve to get Hamsters.”
After saying yes, because we are spineless idiots, Bill and I were treated to our reward: three squealing, shrieking 9-year olds who “love us SOOOO much.” Then we were awarded, “Best parents in the WHOLE WORLD!” The prize for this award turned out to be 22 hours in the car with 9-year-old girls shrieking and squealing about hamsters…
So that is how I ended up at the pet store when it opened on Tuesday morning with four little girls (because Gabby wanted one too and at that point we had completely given up trying to keep any sort of handle on the situation). I announced to the man behind the counter that we had come to purchase a cage and four hamsters to live in it. The man surveyed the situation, including the squealing, jumping children and the bags under my eyes and decided he’d better hop to it before his store got “Blended.” (Think birds flying, puppies running and fish flopping…) He led us to the room where the hamsters were kept. This is when I had a horrifying realization. Hamsters are rodents. They are kept in the same room with the mice and rats. They stink! What had I done?!?!?!
Realizing that the punishment for Worst Parent Ever was probably worse than the “award” for Best Parent Ever, I sucked it up and bought the freaking hamsters. And the cage. And the food, bedding, waterbottles, toys and tubes. $200 later, our family now included two toddlers, three nine-year-olds, a 12-year old, two dogs, four hamsters, a mother with a broken No-button and a father on a business trip in for a big surprise. And it was still too early in the day for rum.
Back at home, I spent 45 minute on the “Easy to Assemble Cage,” while the girls offered helpful advice like, “I think that yellow piece isn’t really that important,” and “The picture doesn’t look like what you made,” and my personal favorite, “Wouldn’t it be better if you were doing that faster?”
Finally assembled, the cage was ready for the hamsters. I picked up each of their little boxes and opened them. Inside each one, I was delighted to find a medium sized hamster…and about 50 little bugs. Super.
The lovely man at the pet store explained when I called him that these were mites, and were “harmless” and “no big deal.” I’ll show you “no big deal” you derksace. All I needed to do, he explained calmly, was bring the hamsters back to the store and he would treat them. They would be fine tomorrow.
Great! So you mean all I have to do is wrestle the hamsters away from the children, load everyone back in the car, drive back to the pet store, herd six kids down the sidewalk into the shop while holding a cage full of bug-infested hamsters and then figure out how to console the hysterical children who just had their “life-long wish” of hamster ownership granted and then smashed within an hour. Then I can return home and scrub the children’s rooms and the children. No problem.
The kids were troopers. Of course, they are also spoiled rotten – it seems the hamster fiasco had done even more damage to my already-suffering No-button. Chocolate Chip Pancakes for dinner? N…Yup.
The next morning we retrieved the rodents and brought them home. The children played with them nonstop for about four hours and then promptly forgot they existed when the television’s force field erased their brains. The only trouble with that was that they forgot about the hamsters who were travelling around the house in the little plastic ball. Unsupervised.
Note to potential hamster owners: The plastic hamster balls are NOT hamster-proof. If left unattended long enough, hamsters CAN and WILL figure out how to pop the lid.
“MO-OM! My [gasp] hamster [sob] is [sniffle] GOOOOOOOONNNNE!”
Oh Qwap.
For the rest of the evening, it was my esteemed pleasure to look underneath every piece of furniture we own and inside any crack, crevice or cabinet that was large enough for a hamster to squeeze through. No luck.
Around 2am, long after the children had given up and gone to sleep, I still hadn’t found the stinkin’ hamster. I started Googling:
Google Searches I preformed:
-Find lost hamster
-Hamsters climbing ability
-Hamster – smallest opening fit in
-Where do hamsters hide?
-Fooling nine-year-olds with replacement pets
-Therapy cost for children lied to by their parents
-Where to buy a hamster at 2am
-Where to buy rum at 2am
At 3am, I finally gave up and went to sleep, after scattering flour in every doorway so that we might “track” the hamster’s nighttime movement. [shudder]
We haven’t found the little critter yet, but we keep finding bits of food and the flour is still getting scattered, so thankfully he is still alive (!) and wandering unattended through my home (?). I’m sure he will turn up at a very convenient time like when I’m serving lunch to my grandmother, or in the middle of the baby shower I’m hosting next month.
I’d welcome any ideas on how to find a lost hamster. I’d also welcome anyone who wants to reassure me that I’m not the only one who gives in to ridiculous requests because of mommy-guilt. And if you know of a way to fix a broken No-button, please help me.
Help.
I’m living in a houseful of children and rodents running rampant and I’m out of rum.
Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011
Check your closets. My mom aslo had a moment of weakness and let us get hamsters when my sister and I were little. Along with cavies and rabbits. Which my rabbits then blossomed into 4-h projects and I eventually had a breeding stock of over 30...but this is besides the point.
Check the closets. My our hamster escaped from its cage, ran rampid through the house, and eventually we found it in my sister's closet. Where it ate all of her prom/homecoming dresses (the bottoms anyway). It started in my closet and ate through the insulation around the hotwater baseboards...insulation..everywhere...
Good luck!
Posted by: Leslie B. | 08/22/2011 at 09:11 AM
this? hilarious.
your children? brilliant.
you? sucker.
:)
Posted by: grace | 08/22/2011 at 09:01 AM
Jody, I had a hamster as a kid and when he would escape, we'd put a trail of cheerios out -- that was always a favorite treat. good luck!
Posted by: Elizabeth | 08/22/2011 at 08:17 AM
Hi, I'm a new follower from VB.
Posted by: Kristy | 08/21/2011 at 10:55 PM
Oh, sweetie, I'll be there is a couple of weeks...with rum. Love you, and keep the funny coming.
Posted by: Marthamormon | 08/20/2011 at 11:34 AM
Lure him into a bucket. Pile a few books to act as steps into a bucket, make sure it is a high bucket that they cant climb out of. Put a piece of paper on the top (Don't hold it down in anyway, your hamster will climb onto it and will fall into the bucket). Lure him in with hamster food lining up to the top,and a small pile of food onto the paper. Put a towel or shavings on the bottom to cushion your hamster when it falls in. Put some food, a gnawing block or a heating pad inside the bucket or box. You will eventually find the hamster in the bucket.
Google rules.
Posted by: Emily O. | 08/20/2011 at 11:32 AM
I am laughing out loud with tears running down my face! Thanks for this morning's chuckle!
Posted by: Pat | 08/20/2011 at 09:41 AM