Warning: This is a true story. Around 2pm, I realized that I wasn’t going to beat this day, so I just started writing it all down. I can’t make this stuff up.
7:11am – Awake alone. Husband away on business. Have slept approximately 3 hours, up all night looking for Freakin’ Hamster.
7:20am – Children awake. Bombarded with questions: Have I found hamster? Is Bill home yet? What’s for breakfast? Can we go to the waterpark? No. No. Eggs. Yes.
7:40am – Check for signs of Freakin’ Hamster. Locate tracks in flour left for surveillance. Tracks lead…everywhere. Gross. Clean up flour. Make breakfast.
To Do: Find Freakin’ Hamster, find bathing suits, buy milk.
8:20am – Forget to take out chicken to thaw for dinner. I don’t realize this until much, much later.
8:30am – Husband calls – not home at lunchtime as planned. Now home for dinner. Rearrange day. Tell kids. Offer more syrup in exchange for happier faces.
9:00am – Laundry, dishes, clean house, lay out clothes for school, shopping list, coffee, look for Freakin’ Hamster.
9:30am- Receive text message from Manhattan Sister re: Horrors of Hamster Ownership. Reply that I have already purchased Freakin’ Hamsters. Oops.
10:00am – Must have been distracted when doing laundry: Discover flip-flop, $12 and car keys in washing machine. No hamster, though.
11:00am – Receive letters from school. All three nine-year-olds have the same teacher. They are happy! I am happy! (Only one batch of cupcakes on each holiday! Only one math assignment for me to figure out each night!)
To do: Write nice note to teacher. Good Luck. Perhaps buy gift??
12:00noon – Settle negotiations: Children want waterpark now! I want grocery store now! Still no Freakin’ Hamster.
12:30 – Drop off children at Water Park. Promise to run errands quickly and return. Be safe! Don’t forget to reapply your sunscreen!
12:35pm – Dash into grocery store. Grab milk because we’re out, strawberries because the ones I bought yesterday are already rotten and wine because.
1:00pm – Purchase live trap from man laughing at me at farm store.
1:30pm – Discover that directions for said trap are located inside it, and I can’t open it to get them out. Give up.
To do: Write letter to live trap company re: directions for how to open cage are inside cage!!!
1:35pm – While preparing for the waterpark, aka public place where I will need to wear a bathing suit, receive call from husband. Now not home until after bedtime. Rearrange day. Cry.
2:45pm – Discover that, upon arrival home from the grocery store, I remembered to put the wine in the refrigerator, but not the milk. It is 90 degrees.
3:00 – Arrive at waterpark. Children are ecstatic to see me and then promptly forget that I exist. Take opportunity to read book in sun.
4:00 – Discover, in no particular order, swim bag infested with ants, husband’s ex-wife has arrived, and raccoon-like suntan lines are appearing on face.
To Do: Reapply sunscreen. Kill ants. Lose 20 pounds.
5:00pm – Receive text from pregnant friend regarding whether or not the trap has worked. Inform her that no, it has not, in part because I cannot open it due to the instructions being trapped inside. Ask her, “Doesn’t mommyhood sound exciting?” Explain that mood may be due to being trapped at waterpark in bathing suit with husband’s ex.
To do: Consider slight amount of sugarcoating for those uninitiated to parenting.
6:00pm - Announce to children that it is time to go home. Do not give in to “awww”s or “do we have to?”s until husband’s ex offers to drive them home in an hour. Consider possibility of making dinner without children yelling. Agree. Thank.
6:15pm - Start chicken defrosting. Run down to sort laundry. Simultaneously send text message. Discover I do not have enough hands to carry laundry and iphone upstairs. Put iphone in front of shirt. Discover I am wearing bathing suit cover-up but no bathing suit, therefore no support. Iphone crashes to floor.
6:16pm – Hold breath and discover that husband’s decision to purchase impenetrable steel case for iphone was a good idea.
6:30 Receive email: “Hope you enjoyed your relaxing summer! Are you excited for school tomorrow?” Oh yes, very relaxing. And No. Not Ready.
6:40pm – Discover that defrosting chicken has leaked all over microwave. Clean microwave. Drink wine.
6:45pm- Children arrive home - loudly. Hamster?!?! No. Pizza?!?!? No. Towels, swimsuits and sunscreen all over the living room floor? Probably.
6:50pm – Garbage disposal is clogged. Pray it is not hamster. Nope. Just a sock.
6:51pm – A sock?!?!
7:00pm - Discover dishwasher not run after lunch. Set table with paper plates.
7:15pm - Present flawlessly executed plate of “Hannah Chicken” (a recipe with a remarkable number of intricate steps, especially considering that it was created by a then-five-year-old.)
7:16pm – Discover that chicken is not cooked all the way. Return to oven. Reply No, we can’t just have pizza. Drink Wine.
To Do: Read Rachel Ray’s 30 minute meals and that other one about the sneaky foods and see if possible to combine. Find Freakin’ Hamster.
8:00pm – race through showers and bedtime routine. Still no Freakin’ Hamster. Remember back to last week – was it just last week? – when I was so bored I was watching toddlers and cupcakes and brides on television. Why didn’t I appreciate that when I could, instead of whining?
8:40pm – Dishes. Put away leftovers for Bill – he should be home any minute, right?!? – Overturn cherry tomato container accidentally. Find all but one tomato, which has rolled under the fridge. Wonder whether hamsters like tomatoes?
8:55pm – Finally figure out trap! Set. Pray.
9:00pm – Bill calls. He will be home in 4 hours. Will I still be up? Yes! Of course! Can’t wait to see him. Put children to bed. Begin watching DVR’d Cupcake Wars episode. Or was it Kate Plus Eight?
6:00am – Alarm sounds for first day of school. Find snoring husband. Appears I did not make it those 4 hours. Summer is over.
6:01am – Discover empty hamster trap. Freakin’ Hamster…
Only 396,000 more minutes until it is summer vacation again.
*No hamsters were harmed in the making of this story.
Epilogue:
Charlie the hamster was trapped by my super-hero-husband in a humane, pain-free, live-trap three days later. He re-joined his brothers in the hamster cage, creating much squealing, jumping and general chaos from our four daughters.
Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011
Wow. Just.....wow.
Posted by: Candy | 08/24/2011 at 04:14 PM
To funny, should be a game called the great hamster hunt :). Heres hoping things go smoother from here on out! I am dropping by from VB to become your newest GFC follower. Have a fantastic week! WV Stitcher
Posted by: Brenda | 08/23/2011 at 10:46 PM
Snorted four times (can't find the hotkey to put four pigs at top of comment). The ability to make fun of that day is a sheer genius. Thank you, thank you.
Posted by: Steve | 08/23/2011 at 07:23 PM
YOu crack me up. I remember living those days (but with only 3 kids and about a dozen strays). For the record, although it is impossible for you to believe at this moment, those were the good ole days! Enjoy a much quiter day today!
Posted by: Laura Lee Ullrich | 08/23/2011 at 09:34 AM
Hannah chicken? Sounds like a recipe we'd all like!
Posted by: Pat | 08/23/2011 at 06:54 AM