I have prepared this list of directions in case any of you are planning a roadtrip this Labor Day Weekend. I am imparting all of the wisdom I have gained during the 6,160 miles my family drove this summer in the extraordinarily exciting states of Montana, Wyoming, North and South Dakota. My best advice, actually, is just to take a plane, but if it’s too late to buy tickets, maybe this will help.
How to Take a Road Trip with Six Kids:
1. Choose your destination. My suggestion is to pick something REALLY exciting, like, say, Disney World, so that you have a good threat if you need it. “If you don’t stop hitting your sister in the head with that book, I will turn this car around and we will NOT GO TO… DISNEYWORLD!” See? That doesn’t really work with “…the next state full of cornfields.” Pick your destination carefully.
2. Pack. Each child will need an enormous amount of stuff, no matter where you are going. Also, they will be bored. Really, reeaalllyy bored. You will need lots of things to do in the car, preferably things that will not injure their siblings when they use them as weapons. Keep in mind that there is probably room for approximately 1/16 of the stuff they actually need/want, so only choose things you are willing to hold in your lap or strap to the roof. No, you can’t strap the children to the roof. Yes, there is actually a law that says that.
3. Invest in a portable DVD player if your car does not come equipped with one. (If you have six kids, what in the world were you thinking buying a car without a DVD player?) Make sure that any headphones or remote controls have some sort of homing device or can be velcroed to your car…or your child. Your children will lose these items within four seconds of entering the car, and will continue to find and lose them for the duration of your trip, or until you throw them out the window. (The remote, not the children, although either one would solve the problem.)
4. Load the car. Good luck.
5. Convince the children that this is going to be really exciting. “You’ll, see, um, cows!/geological formations!/mountains!/corn fields!/tractor stores!” Nevermind.
6. Give your husband a big kiss and promise that no matter what happens, you will still love him at the other end of the road. This is probably true.
7. Drive away.
8. Return to your house to retrieve the toys/books/suitcase/cooler/child/wallet that you forgot. Drive away again.
9. Try to interest the children in roadtrip bingo, sing-a-longs and looking at scenery, until just before you want to scream, throw-up or start drinking. Make sure you have already Googled and know which states have an open container law. In some places, if you are not the driver, you are welcome to as much rum as you like. You might need this. Once you have given up on the children using this roadtrip as an educational or bonding experience, turn on the DVD player. It is okay with me if you promise yourself, your husband or your children that later on in the roadtrip you will try the bonding/education again. But you and I both know you won’t.
10. *For Midwest Drivers: Make sure you stop every time you see a bathroom. Most of the time it is about 17 hours until the next one, and I’m sure you know which one of your kids will need to pee as soon as you hit The Middle Of Nowhere.
11. Make sure to hand out snacks liberally. Who cares if they eat their dinner or not? You will be in a restaurant…in a strange town…where no knows who you are and you don’t care if they judge you anyway. Snacks = Happy Roadtrippin’ Children. Happy Roadtrippin’ Children = Quiet. Quiet is good.
12. Make sure to use any quiet you have bribed out of the children (with candy and videos) to chat with your husband! This is wonderful alone time for you! If, by chance, your husband is more interested in listening to the Cubs game or Blue Collar Comedy on the XM radio, then just bring a book. Or take a nap. Or, if you’re in one of the good states, have a little pina colada.
13. Arrive at your destination! Give your husband a high-five for making it this far! In order to truly enjoy wherever you are now, try not to think about the fact that you have to do this all over again in a few days. Oh ! You didn’t think of that? And as an extra bonus, the kids have already seen all the “scenery” and there’s no exciting destination at the end. No, you can’t buy the plane ticket now. Yes, you do have to go back with them.
Also, whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK IN THE BACKSEAT. I can already tell you what is there: Gum is squished into your carpet. Chocolate is smeared all over your leather seats. All the headphones, the remote and most of the DVDs are broken and/or lost. Every item you packed is strewn about the car, and there is probably something gross stuck to your ceiling. You can deal with all of that later.
14. Try to remember why you decided to do this in the first place.
15. Know that someday, your kids will thank you for this! Hopefully, that and your leftover rum is enough to get you home again.
16. Have yourself certified completely insane. That is the only way you would consider this fiasco anyway.
Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011
Think of a road trip with kids as juggling. It looks tough, and there's a bit of a learning curve. The trick is to keep their minds active and away from lingering thoughts of boredom and car cabin fever. While kids don't get a chance to walk it off, you can change their seating positions once in a while to keep things fresh.
Posted by: Maria Wegner | 04/19/2012 at 09:58 AM
Haha, Debbie, even one kid can be a handful. It takes a lot of preparation, but it all boils down to keeping them from misbehaving while you're busy driving. There has to be a balance between entertainment and peace.
Posted by: Erwin Calverley | 11/21/2011 at 12:42 PM
Great article. You have great advice. Even three kids can be overwhelming to travel with sometimes.
Posted by: Debbie | 09/03/2011 at 12:43 PM
Love it, Jody. So very TRUE!!!! We did Connecticut to ND with Bridget, Mollie, Maggie, Tanner, Hallie, Hannah, Jeff & me. We now only refer to it as the RTFH.
Posted by: Kim | 09/03/2011 at 09:23 AM