Tonight I took my 12-Year-Old son and his friend to the high school football game. Sam wore the second most ridiculous outfit I’ve ever seen. (It is second because today was “Superhero Day” at the high school and when I dropped him off, I saw a senior boy wearing tights…and underwear on the outside. Plus a cape. But until that dude, Sam took the prize)
This is (apparently) what cool looks like.
I was dying to be the “Cool Mom,” but a little nervous about sending him off on his own. So, I did what was necessary:
Boys, It’s time for the Mommy Talk. Brace yourselves.
I outlined some basic rules for survival:
1. Don’t talk to strangers.
2. Don’t do drugs.
3. Don’t drink.
4. Call me when the fourth inning starts.
Mo-om! It’s a QUARTER! Not an inning!
(Whoops! I’m on a Middle-school-mom-learning curve.)
5. Don’t leave the stadium until I text you to say I’m there.
(Phew! Back on track with the cool texting abilities.)
Then I quizzed them:
What will you say if someone offers you drugs?
No.
What will you say if someone offers you a beer?
No.
What will you do at the beginning of the fourth inning?
Call you.
When can you leave the stadium?
When you text us.
What will you say if a cute girl talks to you?
‘Sup. (‘Sup? Really? I’m not sure that’s going to work.)
Feeling satisfied that they had passed my test and would not be partaking in any illegal activities, (or having particularly meaningful conversations with girls), I dropped them off, said a little prayer and went back to the houseful of screaming girls waiting for me. (Nine-year-old sleepover parties are scarier than Walmart on Black Friday.)
When he called to say that it was the fourth quarter (from a friend’s phone because he had lost his…) I was ready. I jumped into the car and hurried down to the stadium so I could be the first one in the Mommy Pick Up Line, and therefore the first one out of the parking lot. I saw Sam’s group of friends come running out, all dressed like complete fools. Sam and his friend jumped excitedly into the car.
“Wow! They Sucked!” said my well-mannered child.
“Don’t say suck,” I replied.
“Mom. We lost 46 to 0.”
“Oh,” I allowed. “That sucks.”
Then they started talking about somebody being somebody else’s BFFLE.
BFFLE? I’m racking my Cool Mom brain, but…nothing.
“You know, Mom, Best Friend For, Like, Ever?”
“Oh.” Sorry I asked.
I gave them the post-test for their evening just to check in.
Did you do drugs?
No.
Did you drink?
No.
Did you leave the stadium?
No.
Did you talk to girls?
No. (You mean [gasp] ‘sup didn’t work?)
After we dropped off his friend, Sam rewarded my efforts with the biggest compliment I have received to date:
“You’re the coolest mom, like, ever.”
So I guess he didn’t notice I picked him up from the game wearing my pajamas?
Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011
'sup? You MUST be cool, b/c I know I would have ruined it all and made him change. I'm so not cool. You? Definately. You made us all look good. Score 1 for moms!
Posted by: Kim | 09/09/2011 at 03:59 AM
That's too funny! Can't wait til my kids are teens. It ought to be interesting for sure!
Posted by: Babblin' Brooke | 09/06/2011 at 11:58 PM
Aww I think he looks good, very handsome..... Do you who lil Wayne is? Yeah A LOT better
Posted by: Elizabeth | 09/06/2011 at 12:23 PM
I've seen kids wearing much worse! Congrats on being the coolest mom, like, ever!
Posted by: Julie | 09/06/2011 at 09:53 AM