Dear Self,
I am writing in an attempt to save you from yourself. Apparently, your experience in January of 2011 did not convince you to change your ways for 2012, so hopefully this letter, if read before making any important decisions, will help contain the chaos for next year.
I know that the kids want to participate in every single activity offered.
I know that a great many of those activities will take place in January.
I know that you do not want to deny them any opportunities.
But, please, PLEASE! STOP SIGNING THEM UP FOR STUFF!
I promise, your children do NOT need to participate in Archery, Basketball, Dance Class, Swimming Lessons, Ice Skating, CCD, Volleyball, AND Girl Scouts. I promise.
Just say no.
To something.
Please.
Here are some things you should have learned from your past mistakes, but apparently have not:
1. It does, in fact, require more than 14 minutes at home to make and serve dinner. Therefore, if you continue to insist on signing them up for this many activities, the McDonald’s drive thru cashier WILL start to recognize your vehicle and the Domino’s delivery man WILL be on a first name basis with your dogs.
2. Although the children will claim initially that they cannot possibly imagine life without any of the above named activities, they will find that it is entirely possible to live without PRACTICING for any of them. This will lead to embarrassment and shame at the start of each lesson. (For you, that is. The kids will be completely oblivious to everything because they will be too exhausted from all the stinkin activities.)
3. In addition to the cost of each activity, there will be more items needed. You will not only need to pay for these things, but also find a place for every new pair of sneakers, dance costume, arrow, bathing suit and matching, sport-themed headband/water-bottle set. Your car will become a mini Walmart and your living room will be a treacherous terrain of ice skate blades and Girl Scout Cookies.
4. You like your husband. Remember? If you take my advice, you may actually be able to SEE him once or twice in January 2013.
5. Come to think of it, there are other things you like too – you know, like writing the blog? Talking to your friends? Showering? All of these experiences could be yours if only you would STOP SIGNING YOUR KIDS UP FOR CRAP!
6. Your children are wonderfully talented, but it is time for you to face the fact that none of them is going to go pro at any of these activities. Missing out on one of them will NOT, in fact, change the course of their lives. It will, however, change the course of your month, and perhaps prevent you from continuing to be an insane mom-monster who does nothing but yell “Come on! Hurry up! Let’s Go!” All. Day. Long.
7. Although your town is tiny, getting the children to 8 activities every day takes the same amount of gas as a day trip to Las Vegas. Wouldn’t it be nice to go to Vegas? Stop driving in circles.
8. Just. Say. No. You can do it.
In closing, to my dear Self Next Year, please heed my warning. Please save your family and yourself from the insanity that was JANUARY 2011, (and, because you’re a total idiot, JANUARY 2012). It’s like a horror movie and the awful, predictable sequel.
Love,
Your 2012 Self, (who barely had time to write this, and lost focus 12 times while listening to piano lessons in the other room, tripping over ice skate and fielding phone calls about the Girl Scout Meeting tomorrow).
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