Blended

HELP!

All of our weeks are busy.  But this one is taking the cake  - (literally, there are two cakes to be made…) In the space of seven days, I am supposed to work full time, plan and organize two birthday parties, hold parent-teacher conferences, attend a two-day volleyball tournament, host an extra-credit after-school activity for my students, and get ready for a spring-break trip out of town.  Seems doable, right?  Oh!  And also parent six kids.

 

Bill and I were having a “calendar meeting.”  You know, where I get the planner and a notepad and he gets… a grumpy look on his face?  Wine helps.  (Not him – he’s still grumpy, but the wine helps me not notice.)

 

We were outlining who would do which pick up, drop off and parent-teacher meeting.  (See, I’m required to be the teacher most of the time, but occasionally I get to be the parent!  One really weird time last year, I was both for Sam.)  The calendar meeting was going fairly smoothly until Bill reminded me that he had a business trip and would be gone for four days.  Ok.  I can work with this.  I’m sure I can handle this on my own.  Except for the part where I have to be in six places at the same time.  But no worries, that only happens four times this week.  [*Pours another glass of wine.]

 

A few hours later, I was feeling confident that I could handle the demands of the week on my own, and was finished making my 10,000 to-do lists so that I wouldn’t forget to buy poster board for Sam’s history project, make an artist palette and veterinarian badge for the girls’ career day at school, and buy milk and cake mix.

 

Then the news came on, predicting the biggest storm of the year to hit on Tuesday afternoon…and continue through Wednesday night.  Um… hmmm… Ok. I can live through this too.  If it is really so bad that I can’t drive over the snow in the driveway, then school will be closed and I can just stay home, right?  Maybe then I’ll even get a blog post written.  Forget the wine.  I’m moving on to rum.

 

Then the doctor called.

 

Could we please bring Gabby down to Sioux Falls for the day?  On Monday.  He’s sure we’ll be out of there by 6pm…meaning we just have to figure out what to do with the other five kids for an entire day, in a different city.

 

Help!  I need somebody!  Not just anybody…

 

Forget the wine and the rum.  I’m calling Grandma.

 

 

 

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2012

 

 

Present Palooza

Our family blends the best of many worlds, and it is never more clear than during the month of December.  Emily and Hannah have a birthday in December.  This month they will turn 10 at an ice skating birthday party.  We also celebrate Hannukah, still new to Brianna, Gabby and Levi, during this month.  In addition, we have already established traditions for Christmas Eve and Santa will visit Christmas morning.  Just as you’re starting to think this is sounding a little insane, get this – this year, since all of our children are going to their other parents’ this holiday, we have to put this whole extravaganza of celebration on the fast track – and be finished with all of it by December 17!  Present Palooza.

 

Here’s how we’re rolling:  First of all, as I write this, it is November 25, Black Friday, and all of my holiday gifts are purchased, wrapped, and if necessary, shipped.  We have devoted an entire guest room to presents – 8 nights + 2 birthdays + Christmas x 6 = I.N.S.A.N.I.T.Y.   I used a different wrapping paper for each night and each event so that I’d have a chance of figuring out what goes to whom and when…

 

This, of course, was successfully completed through the use of a complicated, color-coded Excel spreadsheet with dates, costs and wish lists. Go ahead, make fun of my ridiculous organizational strategies, but I bet you’re not done with all of YOUR shopping, now are you?

 

The lists themselves were a bit on the crazy side, ranging from requests from Sam for billion dollar electronics to Brianna’s wish-list item: a fleece blanket…made by Me.  Oh, okay.  Because I totally know how to do that.  Thank goodness for the fabric department lady at Hobby Lobby!  (I did it.  But, by accident, I have created a blanket that I’m fairly certain will cover her and 10 of her closest friends.  But it’s got peace signs on it, so I think it will be ok.)

 

My husband “cheerfully” tagged along on all of my shopping trips (at least the one’s he knows about) and even took me to the “big city” for a weekend to find the things I couldn’t get in my small town or order online.  That is if by “cheerfully” we mean “frowns as he hands over the credit cards, but doesn’t actually complain out loud,” and if by “big city” we mean “a town with more than 3 stores in the mall and an Olive Garden.”

 

So how are we going to control the extra chaos of Present Palooza this year? Don’t fret, I have a plan.

 

Birthday Plan:

The girls are having a party NOT in my home.  Because who are we kidding?  I can often pull off a pretty good home birthday party, but not when I have to celebrate 87 holidays in 12 minutes.  In a blessed turn of events, the ice skating rink was open on the right day and in an even more blessed turn of events, the girls want cupcakes instead of their usual three-tired monstrosity of a cake.  One gift each, invitations printed from the computer and a pre-season Gap sale on fleece scarves (plus a 50% off coupon) for party favors.  Add hot chocolate and some festive winter-themed plates – Ta dah!  Birthday for two.  Check.

 

Hannukah is a tad bit more complicated, because of the length, but also because the schedule we’ve had to work out has Hannukah and Christmas overlapping… 

 

So: Hannukah Night 1 – The “Big” present.  Something they really want, but not the big surprise – you know the one Mommy and Daddy said “no” to but is probably coming later?  Not that one.  (That one we save for Santa so we don’t have to over-rule ourselves.) This night is also the first appearance of Latkes, dreidles and homemade donuts.

 

Hannukah Night 2 – Giving to Each other.  The kids made stained glass dreidels, menorahs, cats, planets and, in one case, shoes and then “wrapped” them to give to each other on night 2.  They also sent these crafts to aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents in other parts of the country.  You’re welcome family.  I know what you have always wanted is a see-through green cat to hang in your window.  And yes, I am fairly certain that the children will be asking to see them the next time they visit.

 

Hannukah Night 3 – Family Game Night.  On this night, we add to our growing collection of board games and then play together. 

 

Hannukah Night 4 – Skyping with East Coast Grandparents.  The presents are exchanged through the mail and then we watch each other open gifts and light the candles together!

 

Hannukah Night 5 – Skyping with Manhattan Sister and Uncle New York.  See Hannukah Night 4, but with more screaming.

 

Hannukah Night 6 – Clothes!  The sixth night has always been clothes, but this year it is also going to be our “Christmas Eve.”  So, this year on the sixth night of Hannukah, the kids will open matching Christmas jammies.  Just go with it.

 

Then we skip a night, because it is “Christmas.”  Hopefully Santa will not notice that most of my kids are on the naughty list and they will have a lovely morning opening all the things I already said “no” to.

 

The next night we will have the give-to-others night.  On this night, we light the candles at dinner time, but we don’t open presents.  Instead, we have donated gifts to children from the Angel Tree at the mall.  I’m not sure that the little ones understand anything more than NO PRESENTS?!?!  But the big kids get it.

 

Finally, we’ll wrap up with book night – the last night of Hannukah.  Many of the themed nights of Hannukah stem from traditions from my childhood, and this is no exception.  Everybody gets a book, some snuggling and reading, and most importantly, more homemade donuts.

 

Logistically, we have it all worked out:  Christmas takes place in the living room, because that’s where the tree goes.  Hannukah takes place in the dining room, because Jewish holidays are mostly about eating.

 

We have lights outside, but they’re white (and pink(!) because my husband loves me THAT much) and we play Christmas music because it’s beautiful.  We eat latkes and donuts, but also French fries, because as long as it’s fried in oil, it counts. 

 

I guess what we’ve decided is that it doesn’t matter that some of us are Catholic and some of us are Jewish.  It doesn’t matter that our children will probably be the most spoiled hellions on the block after 9 days and nights of presents plus a birthday party.  It doesn’t matter that we don’t follow every rule exactly right and it doesn’t even matter that we have total disregard for the actual DATE of things (see our Early Thanksgiving Story from mid-November).  The important thing is that we’re all together.  And presents.

 

Merry Everything!

 

 

 

I'm Thankful for...Chaos. (and Wine)

Here’s the thing:  Living 2,000 miles away from your sister totally sucks.  But if you’re lucky enough to have a sibling like I do, then it sucks less.  Last weekend, Manhattan Sister, her husband Uncle New York and my East Coast Parents all flew out here for an early Thanksgiving celebration.  (Because let’s face it, it is WAY easier for them to drag their butts out here to South Dakota than it is for us to drag the butts of 6 children all the way back to Boston or New York City.)

 

From the moment they walked in the door, the giggling never stopped.  All six kids attacked them and hung on for dear life.  Within seconds they had created personal jokes:  “Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because he got runned over!”  “Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because he had CHEEEESE for dinner.”  I’m fairly certain that even the creators of these “jokes” did not understand what was making them funny, but that didn’t stop them from rolling on the floor laughing every time they were repeated (ad nauseum). 

 

The girls were learning a special song for their school holiday concert, which had lyrics about the season of winter:  “It’s a glorious time of the year!  It’s a wonderful season of cheer!”  The timing of this new song fit perfectly with my sister’s arrival, so she helped the girls change the lyrics: “It’s glorious Aunt Melly’s here!  It’s wonderful because she’s here!”  This, of course, caused even more giggling, and the repetition of the new lyrics every four seconds for the whole weekend.

 

Gabby and my sister, setting the table for Thanksgiving, came up with a new way to celebrate, using the sparkly confetti I’d bought for the table.

 

 

This, of course, led to more giggling, and the unavoidable glitter-fight, which left me picking pieces of sparkly confetti out of my children’s hair, the chandeliers and my pants for the next several days.

 

Manhattan Sister also introduced my children to the wonderful concept of  planking.  They planked the couch, the coffee table, the pool table…and each other.

 
Thanks Manhattan Sister.

 

On the day of “Thanksgiving,” actually a random Saturday in November because that’s how we roll, my husband decided to take Uncle New York hunting for pheasants.  (When in South Dakota….) They triumphantly returned, about six hours later, with two pheasants.  East Coast Hippie Grandparents cringed as the children ran around the house with the feathers plucked from the dead birds.  Manhattan Sister and I bit our tongues until the feathers ended up in the dinner table centerpiece.  We drew the line.

During Thanksgiving preparations, my sister and I did some traditional things:  Make sure we have “real” cranberry sauce (you know, the kind in the jar) in addition to mom’s “fancy” cranberry sauce. (you know, the kind with real cranberries in it). And some untraditional things:  Like figure out how to fry stuffing.  Hey!  If you are in South Dakota, you fry the turkey!  And if you’re frying the turkey, why not make mashed potato-stuffed stuffing balls and fry them up too!  And while you’re at it, try frying the pie.

 

The turkey, stuffing and pie all tasted delicious, but the outside of the turkey didn’t look so good when it came out.

 

 

Gabby’s face fell when she entered the room to see it.  “What happened to it?” she asked sadly.  But it was delicious!  Of course, anything fried in oil is delicious, and on this holiday, there’s no guilt about eating healthy.

 

But the funniest moments of our weekend, by far, were at the Thanksgiving table.  I’m not sure exactly how to explain it, so I’ll try snippets of overheard conversation:

 

Me: Gabby, please don’t put the confetti in the butter.

 

Kid 1: I’m going to Canada.

Kid 2:  Well I’m going to another country!

Kid 1:  Canada IS another country!

Kid 2: Nuh-uh!

Etc…

 

Dinner is served.  Everyone is chewing. There is silence. Suddenly:

Gabriella:  Justin Bieber is my BOYFRIEND!

 

 

Kid 1: I’m thankful for my family

Manhattan Sister: I’m thankful for my family too.

Kid 2: I’m thankful that Christmas is coming

Kid 3: We gettin’ any presents on Fanksgiving?

Kid 4: No, dummy.  No presents on Thanksgiving,

Kid 5: I’m thankful for presents!

Kid 6: Justin Bieber is my boyfriend!

Me: I’m thankful for wine.

Manhattan Sister: I take it back, I’m thankful for Bill frying stuff.

 

East Coast Dad: I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach.

Uncle New York: I think my eyes were bigger than my liver.

Levi: Eyes big!  Tummy hurt.

Bill: Don’t throw up in here, it’s white carpet.

 

Then there was this:

  

 

And why, you ask, do I allow this kind of shenanigans at my Thanksgiving Dinner table?  2 reasons:

 

1.  Because I am apparently not in control of the situation and if I didn’t laugh, I might die.

2.  Because they had CHEEEEESE for dinner!

  They only look normal...

Special thanks to East Coast Mom and Dad and Manhattan Sister and Brother-in-law for dragging their butts out here, for making us laugh all weekend and especially for helping the children learn the lyrics to the Aunt Melly Song, which has resulted in only two phone calls home from the school music teacher.

My husband "planking" after a big turkey dinner.  Or maybe he's just sleeping on the floor.

 

 

10 Things I Never Thought I'd Say (or Swore I wouldn't)...but Did.

After reading 10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say, by the Domestic Goddess, I  had to weigh in with my own top 10.  Manhattan Sister will tell you that having a phone call with me can be a little disconcerting.  She can never be quite sure if I’m telling her or one of the children to, “Stop doing that right now!”  Here are some good ones I’ve said before realizing what was coming out of my mouth.

 

10.  Please get down off the top of the refrigerator.

 

9.  Why is there a guinea pig in my living room?

 

8.  Your artwork is beautiful, but please!  On paper – not the walls.

 

7. For the last time!  Stop putting the dog in the dryer!

 

6. I know you like rolling down hills, but I am very certain that the stairs aren't as comfortable...

 

5.  Oatmeal is not a finger food.

 

4.  Please stop licking your sister.

 

3.  I understand that a slushy is juicy, but that still doesn’t make it a fruit.

 

2.  Please play my grandmother’s antique piano with your fingers, not your toes.  Or the heels of your cowgirl boots.

 

1.  The last is a montage of things my mother and father said to me that I swore I’d never repeat (but do, in some part, on a regular basis): If you don’t stop filling the air with noise, then I will take your bedroom door off the hinges!  And no, you can’t have those jeans, even if everyone else has them.  Would you jump off the Brooklyn Bridge if everyone else did?   Stop knocking your sister over, because she is the only one you’re getting.  Everything is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or breaks an arm!  Now sit down because you make a better door than a window, and get a snack quickly because the refrigerator is not a television.  Shush! BECAUSE I SAID SO!

 

 

Ring Ring! How Do I Answer this Thing?

When you live away from the people you love, you have to find a way to stay connected to them.  Thankfully, there’s a wonderful invention called Video-Chatting.  I first used this technology when Bill and I were extreme-long-distance dating for a year and a half.  We set up our computers and pretended we were actually next to each other.  We talked for hours, played games and even watched movies together using the computer.

Now it is my parents to whom we need to stay connected.  My parents are mildly-technologically-challenged. 

Example A: My father didn’t have a facebook page until this past summer.  I had to set it up for him against his will because he kept sneaking into my mother’s page and then emailing my sister and me about our posts.  “See?  Now you can just comment right here!” 

“But won’t other people see?!?!” 

“Oh my…”

Example B: Every time we chat my parents struggle to figure out how to make their side of the conversation show up on the screen.  “Find the video button. Mom.” “Push the video button, Dad.”  “Nana!  Pop!  PUSH THE VIDEO BUTTON!”  For goodness sakes, Skype, could you make that button bigger?  And possibly labeled “PUSH THIS?”

The only thing standing in the way of a meaningful conversation with my parents on the computer is that the kids can also see THEMSELVES, a source of constant entertainment.  The children mainly use video chat to make insane noises and to examine their tonsils. I’m not sure why the video screen turns my children into complete lunatics, but for some reason, they feel the need to dance, scream, pretend to be wild animals and stand on their heads.  They rarely actually speak English on Skype, preferring instead to laugh maniacally or babble incoherently. 

We have used the video-chat for more specific things as well.  We often light Shabbat candles together with the aide of the computer screen.  We also open our holiday gifts and sing Happy Birthday and let my parents watch the kids eat cake.  My kids often use video to show my parents their latest art project or school project.  On more than one occasion, my mother has used Skype to give me an apple pie tutorial or talk me through cooking one of her famous dishes.  I use video-chat to ask important questions that need visuals:  Do you think this is chicken pox?  What do you think of this new wallpaper border for the kitchen?  Does this blouse go with these pants?

Lighting the Hannukah Candles with Nana and Pop - Levi trying to decide if we're interesting enough to keep his eyes off the computer.

Nope.

 

My mom also leads a weekly Hebrew School session with the kids.  By moving to South Dakota, we almost doubled the Jewish population in our town and for many of our friends, we are the only Jewish people they know.  Even Bill, Brianna, Gabby and Levi had never met a Jewish person before us.   So, obviously, there is no formal Hebrew School here.  (That is..until I start one.  In my free time.)  My mother, being the Education Director at the temple we left behind in Boston, uses the same lesson plans with Sam, Emily and Hannah that she uses with her students back home. Everything is more fun with Nana and Pop…even Hebrew School.  The video-chatting part helps, and sometimes they even stop looking at themselves long enough to get some work done.

Video-Chatting also provides opportunities for great surprises!  Once we turned it on to find the children’s Great-Grandparents in the picture, and once their aunt!   My parents, in turn, have been surprised by children falling out of chairs, dogs and hamsters being placed on the table in order to be in the picture, and by views of me in the background, gratefully toasting the few minutes of alone time the grandparents have given me.

Now we’re even graduating to the next level of technological advances – we’ve downloaded video-chatting onto our iphones and now Nana and Pop can even watch soccer games! (They’re ever-so-thrilled.)

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

 

What's in a Name?

I am a mother, a step-mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a teacher, a writer, a friend and a basketcase. My children are at their dad’s house.  My step-children are at their mom’s house.  My husband is working with his dad in another state, and I am home alone thinking how quiet it is when nobody is yelling to me!  Aside from cleaning obsessively and playing Words With Friends until my fingers hurt, I’ve also been watching a lot of television.  In fact, I had such a TLC, Bravo and Food Network overdose that I’m thinking of inventing a new TV show that involves triplet toddlers throwing cupcakes at brides. 

 

I need everybody to come home.

 

Until then, I’ve been compiling a list of names I’m called on a regular basis.  For the sake of keeping this blog family-friendly, I will exclude the names that other drivers call me when I cut them off.

 

Jody:  This is the name my parents picked for me a week before I was born.  I was almost Laura.  Jody sounds better in the banana-fana song though:  Jody Jody Bo Body, Banana-fana fo Fody… You get the idea.

 

Dody:  The name Levi calls me because he can’t pronounce J’s.  He also pronounces F’s like S’s with a lisp, so when those other drivers give me the finger, we call them Derksaces. 

 

Joey:  This is the name Gabby calls me.  She is perfectly capable of pronouncing the D, and will tell you that my real name is Jody.  She uses Joey like some people use titles.  You know, I have a mom, a dad, and a Joey.  Unfortunately for me, when she uses that name I am rendered powerless against anything she asks of me.  It is that cute. 

 

Jode:  This shortened version of my name is only used by a few people. I don’t think it sounds particularly flattering, but I’ll answer to it as long as it is at the beginning of the following sentence:  “Jode, would you like a Pina Colada?”

 

Fairy Step-Mother:  This name was only used once, but I have held on to that memory.  Brianna wanted something that no one else could pull off but me.  I did it and was rewarded with a smile, a hug and a thank you that had no “step” about it.

 

 

Big Jo: My great grandmother was Julia.  She was the most amazing human being I’ve ever known and dearly loved in our family. She lived to be 100 years old and all three of my children knew her.  Sam even remembers!  In the Jewish religion, we do not name our children after living relatives.  Still, it is interesting to note that my cousin, Joelle and I both have “J” names and parents who were particularly enamored with Grandma Julia.  Joelle is several years younger than I am, so she was always Little Jo, and I was Big Jo.

 

Jodily Odily:  A silly name my father used when I was little.  It seems harmless enough…Except that in our huge extended family we have a card game that we love to play called Eights.  Each member has an “Eights Name” that is used both during the game as well as anytime anyone wants to embarrass you.  Guess what my Eights Name is?  I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Nodily.

 

Snooky Head:  From my mother. Thanks, Mom.  I’m not really sure of the spelling, but if I asked her, she’d just make it up anyway.

 

DeeJo:  A nickname created by a toddler I used to babysit for who had a small speech problem…and carried on by my 30 year old sister, to this day.

 

Jody Pody:  What my grandfather says every single time I call his house.  To this day.  “Hi Grampy, it’s Jody,”  “Jooody Pooody!”  I love it.

 

Mrs. Hoffman: Used only by my students and telemarketers.  Both have me occasionally looking for my mother-in-law.

 

The Cookie Lady:  During the month of March I lived and breathed (and ate) Girl Scout Cookies for the sale.  As the leader, it was my job to pick them up, count them, eat them, deliver them, exchange them, eat them and basically fill my entire house with them.  One of the Girl Scouts had a little brother who now calls me the Cookie Lady.  Even now – four months after the end of cookie sale.

 

Babycakes:  Because Jodily Odily and Schnookie Head were just not embarrassing enough. I have no idea where this name came from, but Bill uses it on a regular basis.  Once in front of my boss.  I do like cake…

 

Mommy:  The best name ever.  Used less and less frequently now that my kiddos are nine and twelve, but still pulled out anytime they want something…  I’ll admit it.  It works. 

 

Mom:  A name I answer to at least 100,000 times a day.  Except this week.  This week I’ve been answering to Mom when other random children say it at the mall or the grocery store.  I don’t do it on purpose, but it does create some awkward situations.

 

Mo-om: Used in times of distress as in: “Mo-om, all the OTHER kids are doing it.” Or “Mo-om, you are so embarrassing.”

 

Ma: Used in front of friends in order to appear cool, as in: “Ma, we need more food down here.  Yo.”  This form is not usually met with a willingness to grant whatever demand they are making.

 

This week I haven’t been called much of anything except “That lady buying wine again.”  Next week, when the kids and Bill are all home again and there is complete chaos in my house, would somebody please remind me of how horribly quiet it was when they were all gone?  And for goodness sake, would somebody please turn off my freakin’ tv?

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

A Year in Review

We made it.  We aren’t newlyweds anymore.  Our first anniversary was last weekend.  So here’s a recap of the last year:

 

August 2010:

            We woke up married on the first day of August.  After our families left town, we settled in to life of happy - chaos, and went to the grocery store every single day.  We signed the kids up for soccer and started spending every Saturday at the fields.  I started my new job and realized I actually liked teaching sixth grade, even though it was an enormous change from elementary school and some of the kids were taller than I.  I went to my very first county fair, picked up meat from a packing plant (where I was surprised to find an actual cow!) and was introduced to my new country girl life.  It was quite the adjustment!

 

September 2010:

            We took our first family vacation to the Black Hills of South Dakota.   While there, we made our first trip to the emergency room when Levi fell off a picnic bench and bit his tongue in half!  When we returned home, I upped the craziness factor by volunteering to be the Girl Scout leader for the big girls.  At our first event, rollerskating, Emily broke her arm, sending us to the ER for the second time that month.  September also brought my birthday, our first Jewish holiday away from my parents, and Brady, our new Golden Retriever. 

October 2010:

            We finished soccer and started basketball, overlapping for one completely insane Saturday.  We celebrated our first family Halloween. Gabriella decided that she absolutely HAD to be corn.  Corn?!? After scouring every available option for purchase, we ended up making the costume ourselves – and then she won the costume contest at the mall.

 

November 2010:

            In November, my kids went to their dad’s house for our first-ever holiday apart.  Bill’s kids would also spend Thanksgiving with their mom this year.  The Bunch celebrated Thanksgiving early with our new “family,” friends we’d made since moving to South Dakota.  Then, on the real Thanksgiving, Bill and I took our Honeymoon trip to Jamaica!  Five days of rum punch and beach helped ease the pain of being away from our kids on Thanksgiving…

 

December 2010:

            My kids taught Bill’s kids about Hannukah.  Bill’s kids taught my kids about Christmas.  We celebrated the twins’ birthday with a Rock Star Diva Party.  In short, it was present-palooza.  We attended 6 holiday concerts and baked cupcakes for 4 school holiday parties.  We prepared for our first airplane trip!  We planned to take the kids to New York for 5 days to celebrate the New Year with my East Coast Family.  Our trip was delayed by 3 days because of a humungous snowstorm, which increased the ever-growing insanity as we made our way across the country.  We vowed never again to travel in the winter with six kids. 

 

January 2011:

            After giving the kids a whirlwind tour of NYC, we flew home again in time to resume school.  We started ice skating lessons – chaos on ice – and archery.   We got more and more snow and the temperature in our town never once got above zero.  I started collecting scarves and mittens.   The kids stopped thinking that snow was fun.  We couldn’t use our front door for the whole month because the snow covered it.

 

 

February 2011:

            We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day by sharing pink chocolate fondue with all six kids.  We added Volleyball to our list of activities, causing us to have to move to a larger calendar in order to keep track of everyone’s daily events.  Nana and Pop came to visit and we sent the icicle versions of them home a week later. 

 

March 2011:           

            In March we celebrated Gabby’s 5^th birthday with a Cowgirl Birthday Party and Sam’s 11^th with an “I’m-to-cool-for-a-theme” Party that involved pop and Cheetos getting ground into the playroom carpet and several preteen girls on cell phones in our living room.   Bill’s parents surprised us on a day that was both “National No Housework Day” AND “National Beer Day,” which turned out kind of funny.  We took six kids to the circus. March also marked the second time the kids left for a week to visit their dad.  This time there was no Jamaica to distract me and it was just plain hard.  March was also the start of the Girl Scout Cookie Sale, which took over my life for about a month.  We ate more than we sold and I threatened not to be the leader next year unless someone helped.  Bill threatened not to be my husband next year if I tried to do it alone again.  I started blogging and wrote the first chapter of a book.  Bill decided I had officially lost it. 

 

April 2011:

 By April, basketball and ice-skating were over, so we signed the kids up for language classes.  They learned to count to 10 in French, Chinese and Spanish, and that’s about it. We celebrated Passover and Easter as only the Bunch could.  Things started to calm down, or maybe we were just getting used to the chaos.  By the end of the month, it was almost possible to go out of the house without a down parka and insulated ski mask… but it hadn’t stopped snowing yet.  

 

May 2011:

In May, we celebrate Brianna’s 9^th birthday with a Minute-to-Win-It Party, Levi’s 4^th birthday with a race car party, and the last day of school by starting to pack for our summer adventures.   It was weird to end school while it was still sweater-weather outside, but we were happy to have made it through our first year of school in a new place!

 

June 2011:

 We took another family vacation – this time to stay at my parents’ house in Massachusetts for a month!  The kids had lots of adventures and spent some quality time with Nana and Pop. We went to the Mayflower, Fenway Park, The Science Museum, Cape Cod, The New England Aquarium, Codzilla and the Swan Boats.  We coined the term: “You Got Blended,” and used it frequently.  I put my three children on a plane with their father and said good-bye for the rest of the summer, before flying back home with Bill and his three. 

 

July 2011:

Bill and I spent quality time with his kids who now have a wonderful week on/week off schedule between our house and their mom’s.  We were able to take trips back and forth to all sorts of very exciting places – like Broadus, Montana, and Riverton, Wyoming.  We put 10,000 miles on my car and saw 10,000,000 cows, and not much else.  We came back home to spend our first anniversary together in our own home.  With no kids, we had a lot of free time that day and came up with the following numbers to describe our first unbelievable year as a family.

 

This Year In Numbers:

 

-Miles we put on my Honda Pilot:  18,000

 

-Towns we drove through with population less than 1000: 74

 

-Emergency room visits: 5

 

*Facebook - 5 hours in the urgent care, one Payless-Zebra-print-high-heele​d-wearing-googling Nurse and a great big giant shot later and Hannah's infection is under control. Just a disclaimer: I have nothing against Payless OR Zebra print high-heels. Neither, however, inspired confidence this afternoon...

 

Times I’ve embarrassed myself in front of the neighbors: 3 (that I know of)

 

Photographs I’ve taken: 9,000

 

Photographs I’ve scrapbooked: 9

 

Times I’ve said, “Shhhh”: 8,947,216

 

Times I’ve glared at strangers for saying, “Shhhhh” to my kids:  298

 

Dates: 15

 

Family Vacations: 3

 

Vacations alone with Bill: 1

 

States we’ve visited: 9

 

Foreign Countries visited: 1

 

Family Sick Days: 22

 

Times we actually got dinner on the table by 5:00: 46

Birthday Parties: 6

Sporting events we’ve watched:  321

Number of gates at our airport: 1

 

Number of times I’ve walked through that gate: 8

 

Visits from the tooth fairy: 16

 

Gallons of milk: 300

 

Cartons of eggs: 64

 

Grocery Store Trips: 104

 

Chances we would trade any of it for the world: 0

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

 

Camp Nana and Pop

This summer we’re spending a month at my parents’ house in Boston.  I’ve enrolled the children in a wonderful summer camp called: Nana and Pop’s House.  This summer camp allows me the freedom to see old friends, write, and drink pina coladas, while at the same time providing my parents “quality time” with the children.  The kids have it pretty good too.

Nana and Pop Summer Camp includes the regular summer activities like puzzle making, board games with made-up rules, walking, swimming and bike riding, but they also provide some grandparent-specific choices:

Gardening

Thank goodness gardening is offered at Camp Nana and Pop!  Otherwise, these children would never learn this skill.  I have no green thumbs.  I have manicured, acrylic-tipped fingernails on my thumbs and an attentional deficiency that prevents me from remembering to water the plants.  Ever.  Frankly, we should all be thankful I remember to feed the kids.

At Nana and Pop’s Summer Camp, gardening is happening all the time.  Their little fingernails are full of dirt and they are often carrying around worms and other horrible things you might find out there.  They pick their own beans and tomatoes for dinner and fill vases with flowers they’ve grown themselves.  (FYI, you can buy beans, tomatoes AND flowers at the grocery store, but to each his own.)

 

Home Ec

Nana and Pop’s Summer Camp features a wonderful home economics program.  The children learn cooking – especially challah, pizza, and every imaginable kind of dessert.  They experiment with knitting and sewing – both picking out patterns and fabrics for Nana to create their custom back-to-school wardrobes as well as trying their own needle and thread creations: an American Girl Doll sleeping bag, a quilt for Project Linus.   At camp they have also perfected their laundry-folding technique as well as sweeping-dustpan coordination.  Pop offers specialty courses in garage organization and barbeque grill maintenance and recipes.

 

 

Hebrew School Accelerated Program and Bar Mitzvah Training

My mother is the education director at the temple where I used to belong.  She Skypes with my children every week when they are at home in South Dakota to practice Hebrew and learn prayers.  We celebrate holidays together by lighting candles or opening presents over the internet with webcams.  At summer camp, all of that changes.  The girls are sitting on the back porch chanting Adon Olam with my delighted mom, while Sam types a paper with my dad to fulfill a requirement for his Bar Mitzvah service, which will be next June (and NOT over Skype…).  They are not whining and complaining, nor do they fake stomachaches to get out of going to Hebrew School, as I did.  In fact, they even look forward to it.  Perhaps it is the prizes…perhaps it’s just that everything is more fun with Nana and Pop.

Field Trips

So far this summer, the children have already taken in a Chihuly exhibit at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts, swam in the ocean at Black Point Beach, spent a weekend in New York City, toured the Mayflower II, saw Plymouth Rock, went to Fenway Park and hung out on the Cape for an afternoon.  Coming up in the next few weeks are trips to the Museum of Science, the Swan Boats featured in Make Way For Ducklings, and the New England Aquarium.  Of course I always offer to chaperone these events…

 

Recycling

At Nana and Pop’s Camp, being environmentally responsible is stressed.  The children rinse and sort bottles and cans, plastics and paper.   They play recycle bin basketball.  If you can get it in from the doorway, without stepping into the garage, it’s three points.  They write names on wooden napkin rings so that cloth napkins can be reused by the same owner. They also recycle bits and pieces by creating sculptures and make-believe scenes out of everything they find.

First Aid

So far this summer, Camp Nana and Pop has only had one major injury:  Hannah had to be seen in urgent care because a scrape on her arm got infected.  Nana and Pop’s Summer Camp, though, is ready for any such problem!   Their first aid supply closet rivals the shelves of the local Walgreens and they are experts in wrapping, bandaiding and kissing it better.

Annoying Activities

Being camp directors can’t be all fun and games.  The children have developed a camp activity of their own: driving their grandparents bonkers.  This activity includes deleting computer files, leaving shoes right where they will be tripped on, finding ways to make everything make noise, eating everything in sight, changing TV channels and playing the piano during important phone conversations.  This is why Nana and Pop’s Summer Camp is only 4 weeks long.

 

We used to live 8 minutes away from my parents’ home.  For a while, (after the sale of our house and before the move), we lived IN their home.  Living 2,000 miles away has been a major adjustment for all of us, but we are lucky.  We have Skype, airplanes, and summers.  And we have Nana and Pop’s Summer Camp.  Everyone should be that lucky.

 © Jody Hoffman 2011

How to Pack 6 Kids for a Month Or: Why won’t they let me take this rum through security?

Step 1. Do laundry.  Do ALL the laundry.  You will need every pair of underwear you can find.

Step 2. Start making piles.  You can ask the children to help you, if you’d like.  In my experience, doing so will increase the amount of time it takes to complete step 2 by approximately 3,000 percent.  Child labor, in this case, will also add to the possibility that you will end up in your destination without socks, sweatshirts...or the whiniest child.   Regardless, every child will need:

            -4 pairs of shorts

            -2 pairs of long pants

            -5 pairs of underwear

            -5 pairs of socks

            -3 pairs of pajamas

            -1 sweatshirt

            -1 raincoat

            -1 pair of sandals

            -1 pair of sneakers

            -1 pair of dress shoes

            -1 dressy outfit

            -2 bathing suits

            -1 hat

            -1 “lovey”

            -1 toothbrush

            -1 Hairbrush

            -4-8 books

            -1 Ds, Dsi or PSP

            -1 ipod

            -Chargers for Ds, Dsi or PSP and ipod

            -1 Backpack full of snacks for the airplane

This list, of course, assumes that you are a) traveling in the summertime and b) going to my mom’s house and she will do all of your laundry for you.  If you are going to someplace cold, someplace without washing machines, or someplace without my mother, good luck, my friend – you’re on your own.

Step 3. They will not need (although they will try to pack):

            -Winter Coats

            -Roller Skates

            -Bicycle Helmets

            -Breakfast Cereal

            -Ride-on Mechanical Pony

            -Power Wheels Jeep

            -75 Barbie Dolls

            -Barbie Dream House

            -Last year’s sneakers that don’t fit anymore but are their “FAAV-RITTE.”

            -The next-door neighbor

            -Your dog(s)

Step 4.  Once you have located the 240 items that they do need and weeded out the 96 things they do not, now you are ready to start putting items in suitcases.  Here’s a sample dialogue you may need to use with your husband at this point:

            Wife: Honey?  Can you do me a quick favor?

            Husband:  Sure, Darling, whatever you need (or something along that general theme.  If you have been as obnoxious to your husband while packing as I usually am, this may go more like, “WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?”  But just go with it.)

            Wife:  Would you please bring me the suitcases from the basement?

            Husband:  Which ones?

            Wife:  Um, All of them.

            Husband: (chuckles) No, really, which ones?

            Wife: (smiles sweetly) No, really, ALL of them.

            Husband: (grumbles to himself as he walks down the stairs to the basement and returns with 6-8 suitcases)

            Wife: Thank you, Sweetie. (or other term of endearment that secretly, in your head, means Jerkface) 

            Husband:  (under his breath) No big deal, just paying $20 per bag each way across the freakin’ country…

            Wife: (Pretends not to hear.  Starts loading items.)

Step 5.  Now get ready to pack yourself.  Depending on how many different events/activities you will attend on your vacation, pack between 5 and 35 outfits.  (I usually lean towards 20 just to be safe.) Make sure to pack accessories!  Cross-reference your outfits with events, shoes and jewelry.  Now add make-up, hair products and lotion.  It is probably best to zip this suitcase shut before your husband comes back.

Step 6.  Time to pack your husband!  (Unless he is one of those special-edition husbands who packs himself AND ends up in your destination with underwear and a toothbrush.)  Throw 5 polo shirts, a couple of pairs of khaki shorts, flip flops and a pair of sneakers in a bag.  Add the underwear and toothbrush.  His stuff will probably even fit in with one of the kids’ suitcases.  He doesn’t care what he’s wearing, anyway.

Step 7. Weigh the suitcases.  The airlines will limit you to one 50-pound bag per person. Overweight bags will cost more.  In order to weigh suitcases, one must step on the scale alone, then step on the scale while holding the bag and finally, subtract the first weight from the second one.  Get one of your (strong) children or your husband (if he’s still speaking to you) to do this project for you.  Under no circumstances should you ever stand on a scale the day before you go on vacation.  (Especially if one of the outfits you packed is a bathing suit.)

If one suitcase is overweight, transfer items to a lower-weight suitcase.  You may have to do this and re-weigh the suitcases several times before you get it exactly right.  Whatever you do, don’t remove any shoes.  Pack an extra suitcase if you have to.  Accept that your husband will not understand the necessity for this many pairs of shoes.  You and I both know whichever pair you leave behind will be the ones you wish you had when you get there!  Your husband’s suitcase, since he needs next-to-nothing, is a great place to hide an extra pair of heels or two. 

 

*Facebook 5/31/11 – Packing.  Bill does not understand why I have so many shoes.  I told him Cinderella is proof that sometimes all you need is a really great pair of shoes.  He is un-impressed.

 

Step 8. Now on to carry-ons.  Each child will need only one item to keep them entertained throughout the entire flight.  The problem is, it is impossible to know which item that is until you get on the plane, and if you guess and are wrong…well, let’s just say you won’t be flying the Friendly Skies.  You’ll be flying the Lady-Why-Can’t-You-Just-Control-Your-Stinkin’-Kids Skies.  The good news is that both previously mentioned airlines will serve rum for a nominal cost. 

In order to try to have the correct item on hand, pack as many things in your child’s backpack as possible.  Test the weight by placing it on your child’s back and asking them to walk down the street.  Take out items until they stop whining.

Step 9.  Label.  Make sure all of your bags and carry-ons are correctly labeled with your name, phone number and airline.  If you are as neurotic as I am, or if any of your children wander as easily as mine do, you may want to consider labeling the children too.  I find that a shipping label size works the best.  I usually use a message such as this:

IF YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO THIS LABEL THAT YOU CAN READ IT AND NO ONE IS HOLDING MY HAND, PLEASE CALL MY MOM!  And then a number. 

I have also found that a simple identification including my cell phone, Bill’s cell phone number and our airline is just as effective in making me feel secure enough to actually take six kids to an airport. 

 

Step 10.  Load the car. If you have a car big enough to hold 6 children, 2 adults and enough baggage for a month, pack everything inside.  (Then, please leave a comment below and tell me what it is – my Honda Pilot is awesome, but…no way!)  If not, stack things on the roof and ask your husband to tie them down.  (If he’s still not talking to you because you were so obnoxious while packing, then just send one of the kids to ask.)

 

Step 11.  You’re ready!  Have fun!  Good Luck.  You know that saying about how the fun is in the journey, not in the destination?  Not today.

© Jody Hoffman 2011

South Dakota to Boston Translations

WARNING:  The language in this post is slightly more...colorful than my usual writing style.  But please know that there's nothing in this post that wasn't said in my living room, by my children's grandparents!

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Today is "National No-Housework Day" AND "National Beer Day." Coincidence? I think not. #doeswinecount?

*Facebook 4/7/11 (on Bill’s page) - Dear Bill, Please see my Facebook status for advance warning and explanation of why the house will be messy when you get home.

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Surprise! Bill's mom and dad just showed up! Yay! (Oops, didn't know they were coming and already started celebrating National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day)

  

When Bill’s parents walked in to my house and found dirty dishes, an un-swept floor and my friend and I on our 3^rd glass of wine at 4:30 in the afternoon, they didn’t judge.  They just popped open a Bud and joined us.  They would’ve done that even if it weren’t National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day.  The kids were thrilled to see them as Grandma and Grandpa brought two more dogs and lots of hugs and smiles.  When most people come to visit – announced or otherwise – we feel the need to entertain them all weekend.  Not Marla and Lewis.  They are just as happy to sit around playing cards, drinking coffee and beer (depending on whether it is before or after noon), watching the kids and dogs run around, and shooting the [poop].  I try to participate in these conversations, but most of the time I feel like I’m at a comedy show in a foreign country.  I have no idea what anyone’s talking about, but I know it’s funny!

South Dakota to Boston Translations

Hotter than a two dollar pistol = Wicked mad

[Butt]-deep to a tall giraffe = Wicked deep (usually referring to snow)

Smuckin’ Fart = Wicked Smaht *I didn’t say it!  My kids’ grandpa did!

Colder than a well-digger’s [butt] = Wicked cold.

Jumpin’ around like a cat on a hot tin roof = Wicked nervous

I hear you cluckin’ big chicken = I heah ya (Boston to English translation = I hear you)

Salad = anything mixed in a bowl.  I was very surprised the first time a friend showed up with marshmallow salad.  (Note to Bostonians – there’s no lettuce in that.)

Hosed = Screwed

Busier than a three-legged cat covering his [poop] = Wicked busy

Slicker than Snot = Icy

As worthless as a one-legged guy in a [butt]-kicking contest = Good for nothing

Stay in the truck = I have this situation under control

Dumber than a box of rocks = Wicked Dumb

Oh put = Oh [darn]

Workin’ like a stink bug rollin’ a turd uphill = Working hahd

Sell the farm = Give up

Bought the farm = Died

Deader than a doornail = Wicked dead.

Busted = Broke

Got you over a barrel = See “hosed”

Chicken Feed = Small coins, as in “workin’ for chicken feed”

Easy as falling off a log = Wicked Easy

Happier than a pig in a poke = Wicked happy

Putting on the dog = trying to impress other people

Finer than a frog’s hair = Wicked fancy

Living high on the hog = Yuppie

Go off half cocked = Half baked idea

Put the screws to = cheating someone (usually ends with someone being hosed)

Dragging up or Twisting off = Quitting

Cuter than a bug’s ear = Wicked Cute

Running around like a fart in a whirlwind = Busy

Crazier than a pet ‘coon = Wicked Crazy

That’s funny, I don’t care who ya are = Wicked funny, to anyone

 

There’s a hundred ways to say you’re leaving:

Off like a turd of hurdles

Off like a prom dress

Make like a baby and head out

Pull up stakes

Drag up

Make like sheep herders and get the flock outta here (this one was added by my South-Dakota transplanted son)

 

And very descriptive ways to talk about the weather:

Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock = Pouring.

Turd Floater = flood

Skiff of snow = Light flurries

Light Flurries = Nor’easter

 

But there is one category of translations I don’t mess around with: food.  Although Bill’s dad makes some delicious dishes (mostly full of cream and butter), one of his favorite pastimes is threatening to hide weird food in my dinner.  I live in fear.

Things I won’t eat:

Rocky Mountain Oysters = calf nuts

Squirrel Soup = soup made from squirrels

Chicken Gizzards = The inside part of the chicken that grinds up the food

Tripe = pig guts

Beaver tail = exactly what it sounds like

Sweet Breads = milk gland from the baby calf

Other weird parts of the cow I’m not eating = tongue, brain

Pork Rinds = fried pork butt

Lutefisk = Fish Jello

Pickled pigs feet, pickled eggs, anything pickled that isn’t a pickle.

 

 

Note to self: Pack granola bars for Thanksgiving this year.

 

 © Jody Hoffman 2011