Blended

The Game of Life

Three of my kids decided that we should play a family game today.  As they came up from the playroom with The Game of Life (again), I paused to consider which game most closely resembled my actual life…  Monopoly?  Not!  Sorry?  Nope!  Battleship?  Occasionally.  Operation?  Well, I do sometimes feel like people are pulling me in all different directions…   Candyland?  Do they make Rumland?  No, I decided that my life actually mimics Charades.

 

You know, because I’m frantically flailing about hoping that somebody – anybody(!) will figure out what I’m trying to communicate?!?

 

Tonight, however, we played Life.  It occurred to me, in the first few minutes of the game, that this game neither bears any resemblance to real life, nor prepares you in any way for the reality of the world!  If the Game of Life is really how my life is supposed to be, then I have some issues.

 

First of all, you start off with 10,000 dollars.  Um, hello?  I think someone misread the rules when I started MY turn! 

 

In my first turn on the game tonight, I landed on “Study for test, miss turn.”  On what planet am I going to stop playing a fun game to study for a test?  This is not a very realistic example of college life.  What are we teaching these kids?

 

After three turns, my daughter, son and I, who all chose “college” were 100,000 dollars in debt and my “career” daughter has a mansion, $320,000, and is halfway through the board.  (She would go on to win the game, and stand in a shower of dollar bills.)

 

 

 

In my fifth turn, I paid $25,000 to a doctor (my nine-year old) to repair damage done to myself in a skiing accident.  Skiing?!?  Me?!?!  Clearly the creators of this game have no idea what they are talking about. 

 

Later, I landed on a spot that said, “Twin Girls!  Collect Gifts!”  Now this one I know for sure is a typo.  It should have said, “Twin Girls!  Collect Diapers! (and maybe get a nanny!)”

 

Two out of the four players won the lottery during this game.  Did this teach my children anything about gambling?  How about the fact that I decided that those were pretty good odds and took them out to buy a powerball ticket afterward?  Did that help?!?

And also this:  All of my children retired before me.   Well, at this rate…

 

The game also pointed out some of my children’s concerning characteristics  Not one of them is very good at debt management, at least one of them is a cheater, and all three of them put back the “teacher” career card because “The salary was a joke, Mom!” Yes, I know.

 

Some things are clearly missing from the game.  For instance, where’s the “Get-a-divorce.-Meet-the-man-of-your-dreams-and-raise-a-blended-family-of-eight-in-South-Dakota” spot?  And couldn’t it be attached to a “Win $100,000” spot?  How about “Get out of Hamster-Ownership Free?”

 

I must admit, though, that I love an activity where I can win a sports scholarship, an art competition AND the Nobel prize all in an hour…

 

 

 Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

Ring Ring! How Do I Answer this Thing?

When you live away from the people you love, you have to find a way to stay connected to them.  Thankfully, there’s a wonderful invention called Video-Chatting.  I first used this technology when Bill and I were extreme-long-distance dating for a year and a half.  We set up our computers and pretended we were actually next to each other.  We talked for hours, played games and even watched movies together using the computer.

Now it is my parents to whom we need to stay connected.  My parents are mildly-technologically-challenged. 

Example A: My father didn’t have a facebook page until this past summer.  I had to set it up for him against his will because he kept sneaking into my mother’s page and then emailing my sister and me about our posts.  “See?  Now you can just comment right here!” 

“But won’t other people see?!?!” 

“Oh my…”

Example B: Every time we chat my parents struggle to figure out how to make their side of the conversation show up on the screen.  “Find the video button. Mom.” “Push the video button, Dad.”  “Nana!  Pop!  PUSH THE VIDEO BUTTON!”  For goodness sakes, Skype, could you make that button bigger?  And possibly labeled “PUSH THIS?”

The only thing standing in the way of a meaningful conversation with my parents on the computer is that the kids can also see THEMSELVES, a source of constant entertainment.  The children mainly use video chat to make insane noises and to examine their tonsils. I’m not sure why the video screen turns my children into complete lunatics, but for some reason, they feel the need to dance, scream, pretend to be wild animals and stand on their heads.  They rarely actually speak English on Skype, preferring instead to laugh maniacally or babble incoherently. 

We have used the video-chat for more specific things as well.  We often light Shabbat candles together with the aide of the computer screen.  We also open our holiday gifts and sing Happy Birthday and let my parents watch the kids eat cake.  My kids often use video to show my parents their latest art project or school project.  On more than one occasion, my mother has used Skype to give me an apple pie tutorial or talk me through cooking one of her famous dishes.  I use video-chat to ask important questions that need visuals:  Do you think this is chicken pox?  What do you think of this new wallpaper border for the kitchen?  Does this blouse go with these pants?

Lighting the Hannukah Candles with Nana and Pop - Levi trying to decide if we're interesting enough to keep his eyes off the computer.

Nope.

 

My mom also leads a weekly Hebrew School session with the kids.  By moving to South Dakota, we almost doubled the Jewish population in our town and for many of our friends, we are the only Jewish people they know.  Even Bill, Brianna, Gabby and Levi had never met a Jewish person before us.   So, obviously, there is no formal Hebrew School here.  (That is..until I start one.  In my free time.)  My mother, being the Education Director at the temple we left behind in Boston, uses the same lesson plans with Sam, Emily and Hannah that she uses with her students back home. Everything is more fun with Nana and Pop…even Hebrew School.  The video-chatting part helps, and sometimes they even stop looking at themselves long enough to get some work done.

Video-Chatting also provides opportunities for great surprises!  Once we turned it on to find the children’s Great-Grandparents in the picture, and once their aunt!   My parents, in turn, have been surprised by children falling out of chairs, dogs and hamsters being placed on the table in order to be in the picture, and by views of me in the background, gratefully toasting the few minutes of alone time the grandparents have given me.

Now we’re even graduating to the next level of technological advances – we’ve downloaded video-chatting onto our iphones and now Nana and Pop can even watch soccer games! (They’re ever-so-thrilled.)

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

 

Wordless Wednesday - September 7, 2011

How to Roadtrip with Six Kids (Just in time for your Labor Day Weekend Plans!)

I have prepared this list of directions in case any of you are planning a roadtrip this Labor Day Weekend.  I am imparting all of the wisdom I have gained during the 6,160 miles my family drove this summer in the extraordinarily exciting states of Montana, Wyoming, North and South Dakota.  My best advice, actually, is just to take a plane, but if it’s too late to buy tickets, maybe this will help.

How to Take a Road Trip with Six Kids:

1. Choose your destination.  My suggestion is to pick something REALLY exciting, like, say, Disney World, so that you have a good threat if you need it.  “If you don’t stop hitting your sister in the head with that book, I will turn this car around and we will NOT GO TO… DISNEYWORLD!”  See?  That doesn’t really work with “…the next state full of cornfields.”  Pick your destination carefully.

 

2.  Pack.  Each child will need an enormous amount of stuff, no matter where you are going.  Also, they will be bored.  Really, reeaalllyy bored.  You will need lots of things to do in the car, preferably things that will not injure their siblings when they use them as weapons.  Keep in mind that there is probably room for approximately 1/16 of the stuff they actually need/want, so only choose things you are willing to hold in your lap or strap to the roof.  No, you can’t strap the children to the roof.  Yes, there is actually a law that says that.

 

3.  Invest in a portable DVD player if your car does not come equipped with one.  (If you have six kids, what in the world were you thinking buying a car without a DVD player?)  Make sure that any headphones or remote controls have some sort of homing device or can be velcroed to your car…or your child.  Your children will lose these items within four seconds of entering the car, and will continue to find and lose them for the duration of your trip, or until you throw them out the window.  (The remote, not the children, although either one would solve the problem.)

 

4.  Load the car.  Good luck. 

 

5.  Convince the children that this is going to be really exciting.  “You’ll, see, um, cows!/geological formations!/mountains!/corn fields!/tractor stores!” Nevermind. 

 

6.  Give your husband a big kiss and promise that no matter what happens, you will still love him at the other end of the road.  This is probably true.

 

7.  Drive away.

 

8.  Return to your house to retrieve the toys/books/suitcase/cooler/child/wallet that you forgot.  Drive away again.

 

9.  Try to interest the children in roadtrip bingo, sing-a-longs and looking at scenery, until just before you want to scream, throw-up or start drinking.  Make sure you have already Googled and know which states have an open container law.  In some places, if you are not the driver, you are welcome to as much rum as you like.  You might need this.   Once you have given up on the children using this roadtrip as an educational or bonding experience, turn on the DVD player.  It is okay with me if you promise yourself, your husband or your children that later on in the roadtrip you will try the bonding/education again.  But you and I both know you won’t.

 

10.  *For Midwest Drivers:  Make sure you stop every time you see a bathroom.  Most of the time it is about 17 hours until the next one, and I’m sure you know which one of your kids will need to pee as soon as you hit The Middle Of Nowhere. 

 

11.  Make sure to hand out snacks liberally.  Who cares if they eat their dinner or not?  You will be in a restaurant…in a strange town…where no knows who you are and you don’t care if they judge you anyway.  Snacks = Happy Roadtrippin’ Children.  Happy Roadtrippin’ Children = Quiet.  Quiet is good.

 

12.  Make sure to use any quiet you have bribed out of the children (with candy and videos) to chat with your husband!  This is wonderful alone time for you!  If, by chance, your husband is more interested in listening to the Cubs game or Blue Collar Comedy on the XM radio, then just bring a book.  Or take a nap.  Or, if you’re in one of the good states, have a little pina colada.

 

13.  Arrive at your destination!  Give your husband a high-five for making it this far!  In order to truly enjoy wherever you are now, try not to think about the fact that you have to do this all over again in a few days.   Oh !  You didn’t think of that? And as an extra bonus, the kids have already seen all the “scenery” and there’s no exciting destination at the end.  No, you can’t buy the plane ticket now.  Yes, you do have to go back with them.

Also, whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK IN THE BACKSEAT.  I can already tell you what is there:  Gum is squished into your carpet.  Chocolate is smeared all over your leather seats.  All the headphones, the remote and most of the DVDs are broken and/or lost.  Every item you packed is strewn about the car, and there is probably something gross stuck to your ceiling.  You can deal with all of that later.

 

14.  Try to remember why you decided to do this in the first place.

 

15.  Know that someday, your kids will thank you for this!  Hopefully, that and your leftover rum is enough to get you home again.

 

16.  Have yourself certified completely insane.  That is the only way you would consider this fiasco anyway.

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

A Year in Review

We made it.  We aren’t newlyweds anymore.  Our first anniversary was last weekend.  So here’s a recap of the last year:

 

August 2010:

            We woke up married on the first day of August.  After our families left town, we settled in to life of happy - chaos, and went to the grocery store every single day.  We signed the kids up for soccer and started spending every Saturday at the fields.  I started my new job and realized I actually liked teaching sixth grade, even though it was an enormous change from elementary school and some of the kids were taller than I.  I went to my very first county fair, picked up meat from a packing plant (where I was surprised to find an actual cow!) and was introduced to my new country girl life.  It was quite the adjustment!

 

September 2010:

            We took our first family vacation to the Black Hills of South Dakota.   While there, we made our first trip to the emergency room when Levi fell off a picnic bench and bit his tongue in half!  When we returned home, I upped the craziness factor by volunteering to be the Girl Scout leader for the big girls.  At our first event, rollerskating, Emily broke her arm, sending us to the ER for the second time that month.  September also brought my birthday, our first Jewish holiday away from my parents, and Brady, our new Golden Retriever. 

October 2010:

            We finished soccer and started basketball, overlapping for one completely insane Saturday.  We celebrated our first family Halloween. Gabriella decided that she absolutely HAD to be corn.  Corn?!? After scouring every available option for purchase, we ended up making the costume ourselves – and then she won the costume contest at the mall.

 

November 2010:

            In November, my kids went to their dad’s house for our first-ever holiday apart.  Bill’s kids would also spend Thanksgiving with their mom this year.  The Bunch celebrated Thanksgiving early with our new “family,” friends we’d made since moving to South Dakota.  Then, on the real Thanksgiving, Bill and I took our Honeymoon trip to Jamaica!  Five days of rum punch and beach helped ease the pain of being away from our kids on Thanksgiving…

 

December 2010:

            My kids taught Bill’s kids about Hannukah.  Bill’s kids taught my kids about Christmas.  We celebrated the twins’ birthday with a Rock Star Diva Party.  In short, it was present-palooza.  We attended 6 holiday concerts and baked cupcakes for 4 school holiday parties.  We prepared for our first airplane trip!  We planned to take the kids to New York for 5 days to celebrate the New Year with my East Coast Family.  Our trip was delayed by 3 days because of a humungous snowstorm, which increased the ever-growing insanity as we made our way across the country.  We vowed never again to travel in the winter with six kids. 

 

January 2011:

            After giving the kids a whirlwind tour of NYC, we flew home again in time to resume school.  We started ice skating lessons – chaos on ice – and archery.   We got more and more snow and the temperature in our town never once got above zero.  I started collecting scarves and mittens.   The kids stopped thinking that snow was fun.  We couldn’t use our front door for the whole month because the snow covered it.

 

 

February 2011:

            We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day by sharing pink chocolate fondue with all six kids.  We added Volleyball to our list of activities, causing us to have to move to a larger calendar in order to keep track of everyone’s daily events.  Nana and Pop came to visit and we sent the icicle versions of them home a week later. 

 

March 2011:           

            In March we celebrated Gabby’s 5^th birthday with a Cowgirl Birthday Party and Sam’s 11^th with an “I’m-to-cool-for-a-theme” Party that involved pop and Cheetos getting ground into the playroom carpet and several preteen girls on cell phones in our living room.   Bill’s parents surprised us on a day that was both “National No Housework Day” AND “National Beer Day,” which turned out kind of funny.  We took six kids to the circus. March also marked the second time the kids left for a week to visit their dad.  This time there was no Jamaica to distract me and it was just plain hard.  March was also the start of the Girl Scout Cookie Sale, which took over my life for about a month.  We ate more than we sold and I threatened not to be the leader next year unless someone helped.  Bill threatened not to be my husband next year if I tried to do it alone again.  I started blogging and wrote the first chapter of a book.  Bill decided I had officially lost it. 

 

April 2011:

 By April, basketball and ice-skating were over, so we signed the kids up for language classes.  They learned to count to 10 in French, Chinese and Spanish, and that’s about it. We celebrated Passover and Easter as only the Bunch could.  Things started to calm down, or maybe we were just getting used to the chaos.  By the end of the month, it was almost possible to go out of the house without a down parka and insulated ski mask… but it hadn’t stopped snowing yet.  

 

May 2011:

In May, we celebrate Brianna’s 9^th birthday with a Minute-to-Win-It Party, Levi’s 4^th birthday with a race car party, and the last day of school by starting to pack for our summer adventures.   It was weird to end school while it was still sweater-weather outside, but we were happy to have made it through our first year of school in a new place!

 

June 2011:

 We took another family vacation – this time to stay at my parents’ house in Massachusetts for a month!  The kids had lots of adventures and spent some quality time with Nana and Pop. We went to the Mayflower, Fenway Park, The Science Museum, Cape Cod, The New England Aquarium, Codzilla and the Swan Boats.  We coined the term: “You Got Blended,” and used it frequently.  I put my three children on a plane with their father and said good-bye for the rest of the summer, before flying back home with Bill and his three. 

 

July 2011:

Bill and I spent quality time with his kids who now have a wonderful week on/week off schedule between our house and their mom’s.  We were able to take trips back and forth to all sorts of very exciting places – like Broadus, Montana, and Riverton, Wyoming.  We put 10,000 miles on my car and saw 10,000,000 cows, and not much else.  We came back home to spend our first anniversary together in our own home.  With no kids, we had a lot of free time that day and came up with the following numbers to describe our first unbelievable year as a family.

 

This Year In Numbers:

 

-Miles we put on my Honda Pilot:  18,000

 

-Towns we drove through with population less than 1000: 74

 

-Emergency room visits: 5

 

*Facebook - 5 hours in the urgent care, one Payless-Zebra-print-high-heele​d-wearing-googling Nurse and a great big giant shot later and Hannah's infection is under control. Just a disclaimer: I have nothing against Payless OR Zebra print high-heels. Neither, however, inspired confidence this afternoon...

 

Times I’ve embarrassed myself in front of the neighbors: 3 (that I know of)

 

Photographs I’ve taken: 9,000

 

Photographs I’ve scrapbooked: 9

 

Times I’ve said, “Shhhh”: 8,947,216

 

Times I’ve glared at strangers for saying, “Shhhhh” to my kids:  298

 

Dates: 15

 

Family Vacations: 3

 

Vacations alone with Bill: 1

 

States we’ve visited: 9

 

Foreign Countries visited: 1

 

Family Sick Days: 22

 

Times we actually got dinner on the table by 5:00: 46

Birthday Parties: 6

Sporting events we’ve watched:  321

Number of gates at our airport: 1

 

Number of times I’ve walked through that gate: 8

 

Visits from the tooth fairy: 16

 

Gallons of milk: 300

 

Cartons of eggs: 64

 

Grocery Store Trips: 104

 

Chances we would trade any of it for the world: 0

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

 

Stupid Cow

Last weekend we went back to Bill’s tiny little hometown, Broadus Montana. I’ve only been there once before, but I love it.   Last year, there were hundreds of people there for the All-Class Reunion and 100^th birthday of the town, but this year, there were only a handful of people around.

The biggest issue I have with visiting Broadus is the 6-hour drive through ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  I entertain myself by updating my facebook status (whenever I get reception for more than a second or two).

#roadtrip. Trying to play ABC game but no street signs (or humans) for the last 50 miles! #middleofnowhere #help

#roadtrip South Dakota traffic jam: 1 car stopped at a light in road construction on a bridge. For half an hour. Because the guy that changes the light fell asleep.

I texted Sam a picture of this problem with the caption:  South Dakota Woad Wefubishment, to which he responded, “Oh Qwap.”

 

#roadtrip Out to dinner. Discussing whether it is more work to fly with 6 kids or drive 6 hours with 2 dogs. #dogswin

This was after we tried to eat dinner at an outdoor restaurant while keeping the dogs in the back of the Pilot with the glass hatch open.  Halfway through appetizers, we were chasing the stupid dogs through the parking lot while the waitress worried we were skipping out on the check.  At least we provided some free entertainment for the other diners…

 The dogs were upset about being banished to the trunk of the car, even though it is roughly the size of Manhattan Sister’s apartment.  Brady perfected the “puh-puh-please” face.

 
When we arrived in Broadus, we were hit by the culture shock of having traveled from Boston (population 600,000) to Broadus (population 393) in less than three days.

As we pulled into town, I overheard the following phone conversation:

Bill’s Mom:  Where are you?

Bill: At the stoplight.

Bill’s Mom: Which one?

Bill:  There is only one…

This is a really, really small town.

Over the next few days, I was entertained (and occasionally panicked) by some interesting experiences.  On the first morning, I woke up to a horrifying sound.  I bolted upright in bed and shook Bill awake.  “What was that?!?!”  I asked him.

It was a rooster.  *I woke up to an actual rooster crowing.  #whereamI?

The next day, there was an amazing thunderstorm.  If you are wondering why they call Montana, “Big Sky Country,” it is because the sky is freakin’ humungous.  You can see forever and every weather scenario is exaggerated.  It is gorgeous, and at times, a little scary.  Bill decided to drive up to the rifle range. (Yes, there is a rifle range.  Yes, Bill did seem a little too comfortable driving up that dirt path at night.  Yes, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only girl that’s been up there.) At the top he stuck his head out of the sunroof to try to take pictures of the lightning with my new camera.

Things that are not a good idea:

 1. Driving up a mountain path in the dark in a thunderstorm.

2. Sticking your head out of the sunroof during a thunderstorm.

3. Holding a metal object while sticking your head out of the sunroof during a thunderstorm.

 

Fortunately, Bill did not get struck by lightning, although it would have been a good I Told You So moment.  He did, however, get this amazing picture:

 

 

The following day, *I broke my toe.  Go ahead – ask me how.

Bill decided that it was time to introduce the City Girl to the farm.  He took me across the street to meet some barnyard animals.  First came the ducks.  They were adorable, but had absolutely no interest in letting me pet them.  They did make an awful lot of noise though.

Then we met some chickens.  Bill told me about an entertaining activity of his youth – chicken football.  [No animals were harmed in the writing of this story – but we’re getting close to the broken toe part.]  At first, chicken football seemed like the kind of thing my east coast hippie parents would disapprove of, but it turned out to be pretty safe and kind funny.

How to Play Chicken Football:

1.  Find a chicken coop with at least 5 chickens in it.  (Good luck, Bostonians)

2.  Dig up a big, juicy worm.  (Yeah, right.)

3.  Throw the worm to one of the chickens and watch all the other chickens chase him.

When I stopped laughing, it occurred to me that Bill and I had led significantly different childhoods. 

Then we met the baby cows.  Now baby cows in July are not tiny little adorable creatures.  They weigh a few hundred pounds and are about 4 feet tall.  They are also hungry.  Apparently, most of the people who entered the cows’ pasture were coming to feed them, so the cows came right up to us.  One of the cows (the bigger one) decided my finger looked like a bottle and started sucking on it.  This was (mildly) surprising, and I jerked my finger away and made an embarrassingly girly sound.  That pissed the cow off and he stomped on my toe.

*Answer:  A cow stepped on it. A freakin cow. #thiswouldnothappeninBoston

When I texted a friend of mine later that evening to tell her that I’d broken my toe because a stupid cow stepped on it, she responded, “What was her name?” 

T-Bone.

What?!?!

The next morning, Bill decided he’d better get me back home before I caused any more disasters or offended anymore livestock.  I updated that facebook status before I lost reception again on the way home:

*Toe looks much better this morning. #stupidcow

*Thanks Broadus, Montana for another great weekend! Loved every minute! (except when that stupid cow stepped on me)

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

What I did on (the First Day of) My Summer Vacation

*Facebook 5/24/11 - Dentist, grocery store, cleaning the house, physical therapy, oil change, pack. Yup! It's vacation.

Reason number 12 I love South Dakota: (the first 7 are related to me, 1 is traffic-based and the other three could be found sitting at my kitchen counter drinking wine or coffee at any moment…)  School gets out on May 23!

 

I have worked in districts where school went all year and I have worked in districts where the school year extends into the very end of June, but never have I had a FULL THREE MONTHS OF VACATION!!  (Perhaps it is because all of those other places I worked had this cool thing called “Snow Days.”  Here, they figure you’re used to it and we have school even during blizzards.)

 

In mid May, I was not prepared for the school year to be over.  It took me by surprise.  First of all, it was not warm enough to be summer yet.  Still in the 60’s, I hadn’t even switched completely over to my spring clothes!  Also, given that I was feeling like we should have 6 weeks more of school, it was hard for me to accept that we really weren’t going to be able to finish the ambitious unit I had started in the end of April.  I woke up the day after the last day of school and had no idea what to do with myself.  I hadn’t had a vacation day since Christmas, so it took a while for the idea of a calm, relaxing, nothing-to-do day to set in.

 

Then the kids woke up. 

 

We made breakfast, cleaned up breakfast, folded three loads of laundry and walked the dogs.  Then I left the big kids in charge of the little kids so I could run to the grocery store. (See Errand Nightmares for an explanation of why I didn’t take them with me.)  On the way home I stopped for gas, a car wash and an oil change in preparation for our trip to Minneapolis the next week.

 

√Laundry

√Grocery Shopping

√Gas, Carwash, Oil Change

 

Then I prepared 10 different appetizers for Brianna’s Minute-to-Win-It birthday party, which was the next day.  (We decided on passed hors d’oeuvres so her friends wouldn’t have to stop playing to eat.)

 

√Appetizers

 

After that I organized all the game supplies for the party into separate piles on the dinning room table, making a cute little sign with directions for each separate station. Then I ran out again to a physical therapy appointment. When I came home I did the dishes and picked up the house.

√Party Planning

√Physical Therapy

√Dishes

√House Pick-up

 

Then we were ready for lunch.

 

After lunch I took three of the kids to the dentist.  Their regular check ups revealed 4 cavities, 3 teeth needing sealant and 3 baby teeth that needed to be pulled.  I hunted them down, wrestled them into the car and headed over to the dentist.  Where I would be for the next two hours.

 

I didn’t realize that they were planning to take them all at once, so I did the One-of-Me-Three-of-Them dance in and out of all examination rooms and up and down all of the hallways.  During all of this, I did my very best not to listen to, look at, or smell anything, since the whole idea of the dentist makes me somewhat nauseated (which is probably why I haven’t told anyone about that toothache I have).

 

√Dentist

 

At the end of the dental extravaganza, I returned home with my puffy-faced, lisping children who had been told by the dentist that they could have whatever they wanted for dinner.

 

*Facebook 5/24/11 - After 4 fillings and 3 teeth pulled, none of my children can get their faces to work. Funniest. Conversation. Ever. 

 

And this is how, at 5:00 on my first day of vacation, Bill came home to find the dining room table covered with party plans, the refrigerator full of uncooked appetizers, the laundry folded, the dishes done, the car ready for our trip, and me in the kitchen, making pancakes and ice cream for dinner.

 

*Facebook 5/23/11 – Bill gets the quote of the day today!  Upon arriving home he said,  “What? Did you do EVERYTHING on the first day of vacation?”  Nope, my friend…you should see tomorrow’s list!

 

© Jody Hoffman 2011

 

Because our Life is not Already a Circus....

 *Facebook 4/8/11 - Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed….and sometimes I decide to go to the circus with seven children, aged three to twelve.  Is there a word for over-overwhelmed? Someone should invent it.  I’d do it myself if I had any free time.

When I moved away from Boston, I worried about missing out on all of the culture of the city.  Interesting things were happening every night!  Of course, the fact that I would have to drive in, sit in traffic, pay $100 to park my car, pay $100,000 for tickets to the event, wait an hour to retrieve my car from parking, sit in traffic and drive home prevented me from EVER attending any of these events.  Still, it was comforting to know they were there, like broccoli.  I know it’s good for me and I feel healthier just knowing it is in my veggie crisper.  But I’m not gonna eat it.

I was worried that there would not be the same opportunities in my new South Dakota town.  Wrong.  This town is completely family-centered.  There are indoor and outdoor play spaces, water attractions, classes, clubs and after school centers.  At one point this year, my children were enrolled in 6 different activities at once!

*Facebook 1/13/11 Okay. Could someone please volunteer to be in charge of stopping me before I ever again sign the kids up for volleyball, basketball, two nights of ice skating, Brownie Girl Scouts and Archery in the same month? We have something EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Every time I open my trunk ice skates, basketballs, Girl Scout cookies and snowpants fall out. This is ridiculous.

In addition to the activity choices, the town brings in outside entertainment several times a month.  A play, a concert, some kind of performance.  This month: the circus.  The whole school (and our house) was abuzz with talk of elephants, jugglers and cotton candy.  Souvenirs were appearing in my English classes and free tickets were handed out to every single child in the whole town.  None of my children asked if we were going to the circus.  They asked when.  And how many times.

Preparing to take 7 children to the circus (the big girls had invited a friend to come along) is sort of like planning a military attack.  Without laying the proper groundwork, we would end up spending a million dollars, and we’d probably end up with casualties. First we strategized:  Thankfully, we had 4 extra adults.  Bill’s parents had surprised us for the weekend and a couple we're friends with (pregnant and calling hanging out with my family “Boot Camp”) were coming with us.  Each adult would be responsible for one child, with Sam off on his own, leaving one person “on leave” at all times.  Three vehicles would be needed for the caravan, carseats installed in two of them. Each child would receive two “tickets,” one good for a treat, one good for a ride or a toy. Money: check! Wipes: check! Camera: check!  Synchronize your watches, everyone to your battle stations, move on my go!

My first clue that my battle plan might not work was before we even arrived.  Traffic? Here?  Never before…but now it seemed that every single car in our town was lined up outside the auditorium, battling for a spot.  Then we entered the arena.  40,000 children had gone AWOL: screaming, climbing on elephants and clambering for expensive toys.  Light up swords?  Pony Ride?  $50 stuffed elephant?  Face Paint? Souvenir glass?  Picture with a snake? Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes.  I wasn’t sure my ride and treat tickets would hold up against this bombardment. 

We survived.  We even had fun. And we didn’t lose anyone.  It was totally worth it. 

Highlights:

1. Gabby in line for the elephant ride, so excited that she can’t stand still. 

2. Levi collecting souvenirs.

3. All 7 children, sitting still for extended periods of time, mesmerized.

Back at home, surrounded by flashing souvenir tumblers (4 that don’t work and one that refuses to turn off), light-up swords and cotton-candy-covered kids, we surveyed the damage.  Our checkbook took a big hit and we were going to have to set up some sort of triage for the laundry room, but all in all, our mission was a success.  Our kids were safe, happy…and tired.

© Jody Hoffman 2011

South Dakota to Boston Translations

WARNING:  The language in this post is slightly more...colorful than my usual writing style.  But please know that there's nothing in this post that wasn't said in my living room, by my children's grandparents!

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Today is "National No-Housework Day" AND "National Beer Day." Coincidence? I think not. #doeswinecount?

*Facebook 4/7/11 (on Bill’s page) - Dear Bill, Please see my Facebook status for advance warning and explanation of why the house will be messy when you get home.

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Surprise! Bill's mom and dad just showed up! Yay! (Oops, didn't know they were coming and already started celebrating National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day)

  

When Bill’s parents walked in to my house and found dirty dishes, an un-swept floor and my friend and I on our 3^rd glass of wine at 4:30 in the afternoon, they didn’t judge.  They just popped open a Bud and joined us.  They would’ve done that even if it weren’t National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day.  The kids were thrilled to see them as Grandma and Grandpa brought two more dogs and lots of hugs and smiles.  When most people come to visit – announced or otherwise – we feel the need to entertain them all weekend.  Not Marla and Lewis.  They are just as happy to sit around playing cards, drinking coffee and beer (depending on whether it is before or after noon), watching the kids and dogs run around, and shooting the [poop].  I try to participate in these conversations, but most of the time I feel like I’m at a comedy show in a foreign country.  I have no idea what anyone’s talking about, but I know it’s funny!

South Dakota to Boston Translations

Hotter than a two dollar pistol = Wicked mad

[Butt]-deep to a tall giraffe = Wicked deep (usually referring to snow)

Smuckin’ Fart = Wicked Smaht *I didn’t say it!  My kids’ grandpa did!

Colder than a well-digger’s [butt] = Wicked cold.

Jumpin’ around like a cat on a hot tin roof = Wicked nervous

I hear you cluckin’ big chicken = I heah ya (Boston to English translation = I hear you)

Salad = anything mixed in a bowl.  I was very surprised the first time a friend showed up with marshmallow salad.  (Note to Bostonians – there’s no lettuce in that.)

Hosed = Screwed

Busier than a three-legged cat covering his [poop] = Wicked busy

Slicker than Snot = Icy

As worthless as a one-legged guy in a [butt]-kicking contest = Good for nothing

Stay in the truck = I have this situation under control

Dumber than a box of rocks = Wicked Dumb

Oh put = Oh [darn]

Workin’ like a stink bug rollin’ a turd uphill = Working hahd

Sell the farm = Give up

Bought the farm = Died

Deader than a doornail = Wicked dead.

Busted = Broke

Got you over a barrel = See “hosed”

Chicken Feed = Small coins, as in “workin’ for chicken feed”

Easy as falling off a log = Wicked Easy

Happier than a pig in a poke = Wicked happy

Putting on the dog = trying to impress other people

Finer than a frog’s hair = Wicked fancy

Living high on the hog = Yuppie

Go off half cocked = Half baked idea

Put the screws to = cheating someone (usually ends with someone being hosed)

Dragging up or Twisting off = Quitting

Cuter than a bug’s ear = Wicked Cute

Running around like a fart in a whirlwind = Busy

Crazier than a pet ‘coon = Wicked Crazy

That’s funny, I don’t care who ya are = Wicked funny, to anyone

 

There’s a hundred ways to say you’re leaving:

Off like a turd of hurdles

Off like a prom dress

Make like a baby and head out

Pull up stakes

Drag up

Make like sheep herders and get the flock outta here (this one was added by my South-Dakota transplanted son)

 

And very descriptive ways to talk about the weather:

Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock = Pouring.

Turd Floater = flood

Skiff of snow = Light flurries

Light Flurries = Nor’easter

 

But there is one category of translations I don’t mess around with: food.  Although Bill’s dad makes some delicious dishes (mostly full of cream and butter), one of his favorite pastimes is threatening to hide weird food in my dinner.  I live in fear.

Things I won’t eat:

Rocky Mountain Oysters = calf nuts

Squirrel Soup = soup made from squirrels

Chicken Gizzards = The inside part of the chicken that grinds up the food

Tripe = pig guts

Beaver tail = exactly what it sounds like

Sweet Breads = milk gland from the baby calf

Other weird parts of the cow I’m not eating = tongue, brain

Pork Rinds = fried pork butt

Lutefisk = Fish Jello

Pickled pigs feet, pickled eggs, anything pickled that isn’t a pickle.

 

 

Note to self: Pack granola bars for Thanksgiving this year.

 

 © Jody Hoffman 2011

Whose Kids Are These?

* Facebook 4/8/11 – There are 9 backpacks in the living room.  I’m not really sure whose kids are here right now or how long they’re staying, but I’m making extra dinner rolls just in case.

*Facebook 4/8/11 – P.S. One of the teachers just found my own kid’s backpack in the school parking lot next to where my car had been and brought it over to our house.  #thatmeansthereare10kidshere  #mymomsaysIhaveADD

When I yell “Dinner” out the back door a variety of children tumble in.  You can tell if they belong here by their shoe placement upon entering.  New kids leave them by the door.  Kids who visit often put them in the “shoe drawer” where they go.  My own kids stomp through the house and get mud on everything. 

Sometimes I feel like when we moved to South Dakota we actually moved back in time to 1950.  My kids play outside all the time.  They ride their bikes around the neighborhood and I don’t worry (much).  They can go to the playground, the roller skating rink, the movie theater, all by themselves, or with their friends.  This, in case you were wondering, was not true when we lived in Boston.  In our past life, my job, the kids’ school and, therefore all the kids’ friends, were 45 minutes away from our house. By the time we got home it was dark, there was no one we knew to play with and well, let’s just say I wasn’t ready to let them out of my sight for even one minute. 

And so now, my children get to participate in the neighborhood experience.  This means that sometimes I look outside and see no one at all…and don’t worry.  (Who am I kidding? I do worry.  I was raised in Boston and lived there for the better part of 32 years.  I can’t completely stop worrying, - my dad calls this East Coast Paranoia - but I’m learning.) Sometimes, though, I look outside and see anywhere from 7 to 15 children playing on our tennis court – riding bikes, jumping rope, teasing my dogs.  Usually I can pick out which ones are mine and which ones aren’t…if I have my glasses on.  I love that my house is where they want to be.  I love that they feel comfortable coming inside for a glass of water or taking toys out of my garage.  I do sometimes wish they’d bring the glasses back inside or put the toys away…

Some kids are regulars.  My friends and I subscribe to the “it takes a village” approach.  As parents and friends, we run errands for each other, let each other’s dogs out, drive carpools, assist with overwhelming baking tasks…at times my friends have been known to make dinner at my house and once one of them even cleaned my kitchen in an emergency. Obviously, we also share the job of caring for and entertaining all the kids.  Their children feel right at home here.  One has a job on the job chart, one even has a bed here.  The other day I was driving one of “the regulars” to French class with my girls and she asked whether it was her turn to set the table! 

*Facebook 4/14/11 - Thank goodness for good friends who come over when you're freaking out and, you know, make dinner.

 So I don’t mind putting away extra shoes, setting a few more places at dinner or storing an extra mattress under Gabby’s bed for surprise sleepovers.  I’ll happily introduce new kids to my husband at dinner.  I like to drive carpools and organize parties. But most of all, having these extra kids all the time serves a very important purpose.  When they go home, six suddenly seems like a totally manageable number of children.

*Facebook 4/11/11 - For those of you following the backpack saga, we left the house this morning after 5 attempts, with an extra backpack that was left over last Friday. Then Sam had to go all the way home because he left his on the living room floor...

 © Jody Hoffman 2011