Blended

A Year in Review

We made it.  We aren’t newlyweds anymore.  Our first anniversary was last weekend.  So here’s a recap of the last year:

 

August 2010:

            We woke up married on the first day of August.  After our families left town, we settled in to life of happy - chaos, and went to the grocery store every single day.  We signed the kids up for soccer and started spending every Saturday at the fields.  I started my new job and realized I actually liked teaching sixth grade, even though it was an enormous change from elementary school and some of the kids were taller than I.  I went to my very first county fair, picked up meat from a packing plant (where I was surprised to find an actual cow!) and was introduced to my new country girl life.  It was quite the adjustment!

 

September 2010:

            We took our first family vacation to the Black Hills of South Dakota.   While there, we made our first trip to the emergency room when Levi fell off a picnic bench and bit his tongue in half!  When we returned home, I upped the craziness factor by volunteering to be the Girl Scout leader for the big girls.  At our first event, rollerskating, Emily broke her arm, sending us to the ER for the second time that month.  September also brought my birthday, our first Jewish holiday away from my parents, and Brady, our new Golden Retriever. 

October 2010:

            We finished soccer and started basketball, overlapping for one completely insane Saturday.  We celebrated our first family Halloween. Gabriella decided that she absolutely HAD to be corn.  Corn?!? After scouring every available option for purchase, we ended up making the costume ourselves – and then she won the costume contest at the mall.

 

November 2010:

            In November, my kids went to their dad’s house for our first-ever holiday apart.  Bill’s kids would also spend Thanksgiving with their mom this year.  The Bunch celebrated Thanksgiving early with our new “family,” friends we’d made since moving to South Dakota.  Then, on the real Thanksgiving, Bill and I took our Honeymoon trip to Jamaica!  Five days of rum punch and beach helped ease the pain of being away from our kids on Thanksgiving…

 

December 2010:

            My kids taught Bill’s kids about Hannukah.  Bill’s kids taught my kids about Christmas.  We celebrated the twins’ birthday with a Rock Star Diva Party.  In short, it was present-palooza.  We attended 6 holiday concerts and baked cupcakes for 4 school holiday parties.  We prepared for our first airplane trip!  We planned to take the kids to New York for 5 days to celebrate the New Year with my East Coast Family.  Our trip was delayed by 3 days because of a humungous snowstorm, which increased the ever-growing insanity as we made our way across the country.  We vowed never again to travel in the winter with six kids. 

 

January 2011:

            After giving the kids a whirlwind tour of NYC, we flew home again in time to resume school.  We started ice skating lessons – chaos on ice – and archery.   We got more and more snow and the temperature in our town never once got above zero.  I started collecting scarves and mittens.   The kids stopped thinking that snow was fun.  We couldn’t use our front door for the whole month because the snow covered it.

 

 

February 2011:

            We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day by sharing pink chocolate fondue with all six kids.  We added Volleyball to our list of activities, causing us to have to move to a larger calendar in order to keep track of everyone’s daily events.  Nana and Pop came to visit and we sent the icicle versions of them home a week later. 

 

March 2011:           

            In March we celebrated Gabby’s 5^th birthday with a Cowgirl Birthday Party and Sam’s 11^th with an “I’m-to-cool-for-a-theme” Party that involved pop and Cheetos getting ground into the playroom carpet and several preteen girls on cell phones in our living room.   Bill’s parents surprised us on a day that was both “National No Housework Day” AND “National Beer Day,” which turned out kind of funny.  We took six kids to the circus. March also marked the second time the kids left for a week to visit their dad.  This time there was no Jamaica to distract me and it was just plain hard.  March was also the start of the Girl Scout Cookie Sale, which took over my life for about a month.  We ate more than we sold and I threatened not to be the leader next year unless someone helped.  Bill threatened not to be my husband next year if I tried to do it alone again.  I started blogging and wrote the first chapter of a book.  Bill decided I had officially lost it. 

 

April 2011:

 By April, basketball and ice-skating were over, so we signed the kids up for language classes.  They learned to count to 10 in French, Chinese and Spanish, and that’s about it. We celebrated Passover and Easter as only the Bunch could.  Things started to calm down, or maybe we were just getting used to the chaos.  By the end of the month, it was almost possible to go out of the house without a down parka and insulated ski mask… but it hadn’t stopped snowing yet.  

 

May 2011:

In May, we celebrate Brianna’s 9^th birthday with a Minute-to-Win-It Party, Levi’s 4^th birthday with a race car party, and the last day of school by starting to pack for our summer adventures.   It was weird to end school while it was still sweater-weather outside, but we were happy to have made it through our first year of school in a new place!

 

June 2011:

 We took another family vacation – this time to stay at my parents’ house in Massachusetts for a month!  The kids had lots of adventures and spent some quality time with Nana and Pop. We went to the Mayflower, Fenway Park, The Science Museum, Cape Cod, The New England Aquarium, Codzilla and the Swan Boats.  We coined the term: “You Got Blended,” and used it frequently.  I put my three children on a plane with their father and said good-bye for the rest of the summer, before flying back home with Bill and his three. 

 

July 2011:

Bill and I spent quality time with his kids who now have a wonderful week on/week off schedule between our house and their mom’s.  We were able to take trips back and forth to all sorts of very exciting places – like Broadus, Montana, and Riverton, Wyoming.  We put 10,000 miles on my car and saw 10,000,000 cows, and not much else.  We came back home to spend our first anniversary together in our own home.  With no kids, we had a lot of free time that day and came up with the following numbers to describe our first unbelievable year as a family.

 

This Year In Numbers:

 

-Miles we put on my Honda Pilot:  18,000

 

-Towns we drove through with population less than 1000: 74

 

-Emergency room visits: 5

 

*Facebook - 5 hours in the urgent care, one Payless-Zebra-print-high-heele​d-wearing-googling Nurse and a great big giant shot later and Hannah's infection is under control. Just a disclaimer: I have nothing against Payless OR Zebra print high-heels. Neither, however, inspired confidence this afternoon...

 

Times I’ve embarrassed myself in front of the neighbors: 3 (that I know of)

 

Photographs I’ve taken: 9,000

 

Photographs I’ve scrapbooked: 9

 

Times I’ve said, “Shhhh”: 8,947,216

 

Times I’ve glared at strangers for saying, “Shhhhh” to my kids:  298

 

Dates: 15

 

Family Vacations: 3

 

Vacations alone with Bill: 1

 

States we’ve visited: 9

 

Foreign Countries visited: 1

 

Family Sick Days: 22

 

Times we actually got dinner on the table by 5:00: 46

Birthday Parties: 6

Sporting events we’ve watched:  321

Number of gates at our airport: 1

 

Number of times I’ve walked through that gate: 8

 

Visits from the tooth fairy: 16

 

Gallons of milk: 300

 

Cartons of eggs: 64

 

Grocery Store Trips: 104

 

Chances we would trade any of it for the world: 0

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

 

Stupid Cow

Last weekend we went back to Bill’s tiny little hometown, Broadus Montana. I’ve only been there once before, but I love it.   Last year, there were hundreds of people there for the All-Class Reunion and 100^th birthday of the town, but this year, there were only a handful of people around.

The biggest issue I have with visiting Broadus is the 6-hour drive through ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  I entertain myself by updating my facebook status (whenever I get reception for more than a second or two).

#roadtrip. Trying to play ABC game but no street signs (or humans) for the last 50 miles! #middleofnowhere #help

#roadtrip South Dakota traffic jam: 1 car stopped at a light in road construction on a bridge. For half an hour. Because the guy that changes the light fell asleep.

I texted Sam a picture of this problem with the caption:  South Dakota Woad Wefubishment, to which he responded, “Oh Qwap.”

 

#roadtrip Out to dinner. Discussing whether it is more work to fly with 6 kids or drive 6 hours with 2 dogs. #dogswin

This was after we tried to eat dinner at an outdoor restaurant while keeping the dogs in the back of the Pilot with the glass hatch open.  Halfway through appetizers, we were chasing the stupid dogs through the parking lot while the waitress worried we were skipping out on the check.  At least we provided some free entertainment for the other diners…

 The dogs were upset about being banished to the trunk of the car, even though it is roughly the size of Manhattan Sister’s apartment.  Brady perfected the “puh-puh-please” face.

 
When we arrived in Broadus, we were hit by the culture shock of having traveled from Boston (population 600,000) to Broadus (population 393) in less than three days.

As we pulled into town, I overheard the following phone conversation:

Bill’s Mom:  Where are you?

Bill: At the stoplight.

Bill’s Mom: Which one?

Bill:  There is only one…

This is a really, really small town.

Over the next few days, I was entertained (and occasionally panicked) by some interesting experiences.  On the first morning, I woke up to a horrifying sound.  I bolted upright in bed and shook Bill awake.  “What was that?!?!”  I asked him.

It was a rooster.  *I woke up to an actual rooster crowing.  #whereamI?

The next day, there was an amazing thunderstorm.  If you are wondering why they call Montana, “Big Sky Country,” it is because the sky is freakin’ humungous.  You can see forever and every weather scenario is exaggerated.  It is gorgeous, and at times, a little scary.  Bill decided to drive up to the rifle range. (Yes, there is a rifle range.  Yes, Bill did seem a little too comfortable driving up that dirt path at night.  Yes, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only girl that’s been up there.) At the top he stuck his head out of the sunroof to try to take pictures of the lightning with my new camera.

Things that are not a good idea:

 1. Driving up a mountain path in the dark in a thunderstorm.

2. Sticking your head out of the sunroof during a thunderstorm.

3. Holding a metal object while sticking your head out of the sunroof during a thunderstorm.

 

Fortunately, Bill did not get struck by lightning, although it would have been a good I Told You So moment.  He did, however, get this amazing picture:

 

 

The following day, *I broke my toe.  Go ahead – ask me how.

Bill decided that it was time to introduce the City Girl to the farm.  He took me across the street to meet some barnyard animals.  First came the ducks.  They were adorable, but had absolutely no interest in letting me pet them.  They did make an awful lot of noise though.

Then we met some chickens.  Bill told me about an entertaining activity of his youth – chicken football.  [No animals were harmed in the writing of this story – but we’re getting close to the broken toe part.]  At first, chicken football seemed like the kind of thing my east coast hippie parents would disapprove of, but it turned out to be pretty safe and kind funny.

How to Play Chicken Football:

1.  Find a chicken coop with at least 5 chickens in it.  (Good luck, Bostonians)

2.  Dig up a big, juicy worm.  (Yeah, right.)

3.  Throw the worm to one of the chickens and watch all the other chickens chase him.

When I stopped laughing, it occurred to me that Bill and I had led significantly different childhoods. 

Then we met the baby cows.  Now baby cows in July are not tiny little adorable creatures.  They weigh a few hundred pounds and are about 4 feet tall.  They are also hungry.  Apparently, most of the people who entered the cows’ pasture were coming to feed them, so the cows came right up to us.  One of the cows (the bigger one) decided my finger looked like a bottle and started sucking on it.  This was (mildly) surprising, and I jerked my finger away and made an embarrassingly girly sound.  That pissed the cow off and he stomped on my toe.

*Answer:  A cow stepped on it. A freakin cow. #thiswouldnothappeninBoston

When I texted a friend of mine later that evening to tell her that I’d broken my toe because a stupid cow stepped on it, she responded, “What was her name?” 

T-Bone.

What?!?!

The next morning, Bill decided he’d better get me back home before I caused any more disasters or offended anymore livestock.  I updated that facebook status before I lost reception again on the way home:

*Toe looks much better this morning. #stupidcow

*Thanks Broadus, Montana for another great weekend! Loved every minute! (except when that stupid cow stepped on me)

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

Broadus, Montana

Happy Fourth of July Weekend!  We're on a roadtrip to Bill's hometown for the 4th and also for his 20th reunion, so I thought you'd like to read a little something I wrote last year after visiting Broadus for the first time.  It was about 4 days after I moved to the Midwest and I still thougth MY town was tiny!  We were less than a month away from our wedding day...

 

In An Effort to Prove that Our Town was Actually BIG:

*Facebook 7/2/10 - It is official. I live here - and I have the cowboy boots to prove it!

A week after I moved to South Dakota, Bill decided to show me just how BIG our small town is.  He took me to his hometown: Broadus Montana, “The Wavingest Town in the West.” Population: 393. I have heard many stories about growing up in this wonderful town, and couldn’t wait to see it with my own eyes. 

But first we had to get there.

*Facebook 7/2/10 – I can’t believe we are getting in the car AGAIN!  After a three-day drive across the country and then a 10 hour drive to the Minneapolis airport and back to drop off the kids, I don’t know if I can handle another 10 hour round trip!  But Broadus, Montana – Here we come! 

*Facebook 7/2/10 – No worries, Bill says there is TONS to look at on this drive…

*Facebook 7/2/10 - We are in Faith, SD - home of Daisy Duke. But, alas, I've left my short shorts at home.

*Facebook 7/2/10 - There is not a lot to do on the drive from South Dakota to Montana and I don't know if you've noticed, but I've spent a lot of stinkin’ time in the car lately. New game: Bill is pointing out deer and I'm naming them like hurricanes. Hello Orville, Penelope and Quentin.

*Facebook 7/2/10 - Whose job is it to change the sign when the population changes from 204 to 205 in Nisland, South Dakota?

*Facebook 7/2/10 – Just crossed the border into Montana.  This is now, officially, the 14^th state Bill and I have visited together!

 It was the 100^th anniversary of the town and the all-class reunion, so just about everyone who had ever lived there was coming back for July 4^th weekend. 

It seems that not much had changed in Broadus since Bill left there 19 years earlier.  Everywhere we went there were memories to be shared and people to meet.  In Broadus, like Cheers in Boston, Everybody Knows Your Name.  And surprisingly to me…everyone even knew my name!  My Mother-in-law-to-be had arrived a week earlier so she had seen to it that everyone in Broadus was already prepped on the whole situation.  I’ve never received such a warm welcome in my whole life!

The first night, as we drove into town, it was necessary to slow down to a crawl.  The streets were overflowing with old classmates and family members talking together.  There are two bars in Broadus, one on each side of the street and the party flowed seamlessly between them.  Our car was mobbed by Bill’s family and friends and we had to fight for the chance to park and get out. The partying and memories didn’t stop all weekend.

I would have a very clear picture of Bill’s whole pre-college life, (including all his high school girlfriends) at the class of 1991 reunion planned for one afternoon.  Cheryl, who grew up in Broadus with Bill, became my good friend as an adult, and introduced Bill and me last year, held the reunion at the house which once belonged to her grandmother.  Since there were only 25 kids in Bill’s graduating class, the reunion was on her front porch.  Drinks and conversation flowed, and I learned all about how my husband-to-be had been voted both Most Athletic and Homecoming King in High School!  Who knew I was engaged to such a big deal?!

I watched Bill’s high school teammates play a softball tournament on the field where they had played since they were Little Leaguers.  His buddies asked why “Little Billy Hoffman” wasn’t playing today.  When I questioned him about this nickname, Bill admitted that after his first American Legion game in Miles City, the coach said in an on-air interview, “I was really impressed with Little Billy Hoffman’s playing.” Since there was really only one radio station that could be picked up in Broadus the whole town heard it!  Humbly, Bill added, “Who wouldn’t be Impressed with me?  I hit for a cycle and played awesome defense that day!”  (I don’t know some of the words in that sentence, but it seems impressive to me…)

When we went to the “100 Years of Fashion in Broadus” show in his high school auditorium, I not only heard about the amazing clothing adventures of Broadus residents over the last century, I also heard, from Bill, about all of his “adventures” in that school.  In the interest of protecting the “innocent,” I’ll just leave it to your imagination.

The Fourth of July parade was like a step back in time, watching all of the old cars and tractors go by, the kids running into the street to pick up suckers and tootsie rolls.  Bill pointed out each person as they walked or rolled by.  He knew everyone, and everyone knew him.

On Main Street, there is a store advertising antiques and espresso in a mural painted on the side of the building.  Obviously the idea of shopping and coffee drew me in, but I was not prepared for what I found.  Inside this building was a fascinating store called Copper Moon, filled with wonderful little trinkets, gorgeous home décor and garden accents.  Different from the stores I was used to on the East Coast: Everything in the store was unique and appeared to be one of a kind.  There I found three things:

1. An amazing hanging decoration that was so perfect for our wedding even Bill agreed (and bought it).   
2. A salesperson, about my age (so a few years younger than Bill) who said when I introduced myself, “Bill Hoffman?!?!” [swoon] “Ohhhh.  I know who HE is.  He was senior when I was a freshman….Is he here?!?” 
3. A sign that reads, “Too Blessed to be Stressed” which now hangs in our kitchen.

The weekend was filled with activities I’d never done before, stories about Bill I’d never heard before, and more, “Oh, Jody! I’ve heard so much about you”s than you can imagine, usually accompanied by a hug.  This town loved Bill, so they accepted me by extension.  Although I was still getting used to the change from Boston to our small South Dakota town, somehow I could even imagine myself living here.  For what this town lacks in chain stores and stoplights, it more than makes up for in heart.   Bill says his best memories came from Broadus and it will always be “home” to him.

*Facebook 7/3/10 – Goin’ to a country dance and pitchfork fondue in Broadus Montana! Yee haw-got my new boots on.

    Comment from my Manhattan Sister: Pitchfork fondue? Seriously!?

    Comment from my East Coast Mom: Yum - I think.

    Comment from me: Yup, it rocked.

 © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

South Dakota to Boston Translations

WARNING:  The language in this post is slightly more...colorful than my usual writing style.  But please know that there's nothing in this post that wasn't said in my living room, by my children's grandparents!

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Today is "National No-Housework Day" AND "National Beer Day." Coincidence? I think not. #doeswinecount?

*Facebook 4/7/11 (on Bill’s page) - Dear Bill, Please see my Facebook status for advance warning and explanation of why the house will be messy when you get home.

*Facebook 4/7/11 - Surprise! Bill's mom and dad just showed up! Yay! (Oops, didn't know they were coming and already started celebrating National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day)

  

When Bill’s parents walked in to my house and found dirty dishes, an un-swept floor and my friend and I on our 3^rd glass of wine at 4:30 in the afternoon, they didn’t judge.  They just popped open a Bud and joined us.  They would’ve done that even if it weren’t National Beer Day AND National No-Housework Day.  The kids were thrilled to see them as Grandma and Grandpa brought two more dogs and lots of hugs and smiles.  When most people come to visit – announced or otherwise – we feel the need to entertain them all weekend.  Not Marla and Lewis.  They are just as happy to sit around playing cards, drinking coffee and beer (depending on whether it is before or after noon), watching the kids and dogs run around, and shooting the [poop].  I try to participate in these conversations, but most of the time I feel like I’m at a comedy show in a foreign country.  I have no idea what anyone’s talking about, but I know it’s funny!

South Dakota to Boston Translations

Hotter than a two dollar pistol = Wicked mad

[Butt]-deep to a tall giraffe = Wicked deep (usually referring to snow)

Smuckin’ Fart = Wicked Smaht *I didn’t say it!  My kids’ grandpa did!

Colder than a well-digger’s [butt] = Wicked cold.

Jumpin’ around like a cat on a hot tin roof = Wicked nervous

I hear you cluckin’ big chicken = I heah ya (Boston to English translation = I hear you)

Salad = anything mixed in a bowl.  I was very surprised the first time a friend showed up with marshmallow salad.  (Note to Bostonians – there’s no lettuce in that.)

Hosed = Screwed

Busier than a three-legged cat covering his [poop] = Wicked busy

Slicker than Snot = Icy

As worthless as a one-legged guy in a [butt]-kicking contest = Good for nothing

Stay in the truck = I have this situation under control

Dumber than a box of rocks = Wicked Dumb

Oh put = Oh [darn]

Workin’ like a stink bug rollin’ a turd uphill = Working hahd

Sell the farm = Give up

Bought the farm = Died

Deader than a doornail = Wicked dead.

Busted = Broke

Got you over a barrel = See “hosed”

Chicken Feed = Small coins, as in “workin’ for chicken feed”

Easy as falling off a log = Wicked Easy

Happier than a pig in a poke = Wicked happy

Putting on the dog = trying to impress other people

Finer than a frog’s hair = Wicked fancy

Living high on the hog = Yuppie

Go off half cocked = Half baked idea

Put the screws to = cheating someone (usually ends with someone being hosed)

Dragging up or Twisting off = Quitting

Cuter than a bug’s ear = Wicked Cute

Running around like a fart in a whirlwind = Busy

Crazier than a pet ‘coon = Wicked Crazy

That’s funny, I don’t care who ya are = Wicked funny, to anyone

 

There’s a hundred ways to say you’re leaving:

Off like a turd of hurdles

Off like a prom dress

Make like a baby and head out

Pull up stakes

Drag up

Make like sheep herders and get the flock outta here (this one was added by my South-Dakota transplanted son)

 

And very descriptive ways to talk about the weather:

Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock = Pouring.

Turd Floater = flood

Skiff of snow = Light flurries

Light Flurries = Nor’easter

 

But there is one category of translations I don’t mess around with: food.  Although Bill’s dad makes some delicious dishes (mostly full of cream and butter), one of his favorite pastimes is threatening to hide weird food in my dinner.  I live in fear.

Things I won’t eat:

Rocky Mountain Oysters = calf nuts

Squirrel Soup = soup made from squirrels

Chicken Gizzards = The inside part of the chicken that grinds up the food

Tripe = pig guts

Beaver tail = exactly what it sounds like

Sweet Breads = milk gland from the baby calf

Other weird parts of the cow I’m not eating = tongue, brain

Pork Rinds = fried pork butt

Lutefisk = Fish Jello

Pickled pigs feet, pickled eggs, anything pickled that isn’t a pickle.

 

 

Note to self: Pack granola bars for Thanksgiving this year.

 

 © Jody Hoffman 2011