Blended

Back-To-School-Night or: Why We're Making Brianna a Bubble-Wrap Outfit

Monday night was Back to School Night for the Middle Schoolers.  I would have to be at work all day, and then go back for two hours in the evening to welcome the new students and their parents.  The night before, I had created a minute-by-minute schedule of the day so that everyone in my family would be exactly where they needed to be when they needed to be there. 

 

First I left everyone at home sleeping while I went to the teacher in-service day at school.  Eight hours later, I came home and found that no one had gone to the grocery store so we had no milk, no one had taken out the garbage, no one had done dishes and no one had taken out the hamburger to thaw for dinner.  Also, apparently, no one had seen my list of THINGS TO DO TODAY.

 

I found the list, handed it to Bill and the kids and went upstairs to try to find my lost school files before the Back To School Night presentation I was supposed to give in 90 minutes. 

 

The schedule for the day stated that it was imperative that we all eat dinner five minutes ago and then send Sam to shower so he could put on his coolest outfit to go see all his friends when the seventh graders came to meet their teachers.  Instead, 20 minutes before I was supposed to leave, the kids were all outside, Sam was still playing, and leftovers were being reheated for dinner.  I finally found the lost file.

 

I was about to change into the professional-but-not-stuffy outfit I had planned when Bill called up the stairs, calmly, “Um, Babe?  We’re going to the emergency room…” 

 

WHAT?!?!  There is no time for emergency room in The Schedule!

 

Wait!  I mean, Oh no!  What’s wrong!  (Sorry, momentary mommy lapse…)

 

I raced down the stairs to find my eldest son (still in his play clothes, still not having eaten dinner) with blood gushing out of a gash in his chin.  “Yup,” I agreed, “You’re going to the emergency room.” 

 

Bill whisked him away, and I grabbed my phone.  Who do I know that is NOT a middle school teacher OR a middle school parent and therefore free this evening to watch the other five kids?!?!!?  Thankfully, a good friend was free and willing!  She is pregnant and due next month, so I told her to think of this as boot camp and yelled directions over my shoulder as I dashed out the door…

 

“Don’t let Gabby play with the hamsters unsupervised!”

“Make sure you count them all when they’re done playing!” (I meant the hamsters, but I guess it works either way.)

“When in doubt just turn on the TV!”

“Popsicles are an outside food!”

“Good Luck!”

 

I raced into Back To School Night only 5 minutes late, wearing 2 different shoes.  I’m 90% certain that no one noticed and 100% certain that no one was going to mention it to The-Crazy-Lady-Wearing-Two-Different-Shoes-Who-May-Be-In-Charge-Of-My-Child’s-Education.

 

Bill brought Sam to Back to School Night a half hour late and with five stitches.  He was “totally psyched” to show his friends how tough he was.

 

After the event ended, Bill and I came home to find our friend, all five other children and all four hamsters.  She had survived!

 

“So, were you guys good?” I asked the children.  “Do you think she still wants to have kids?”

 

“Well,” said Emily, “I think we were okay…but it’s too late for her to change her mind anyway!”

 

This ER trip marks the fifth out of our six kids to go to the hospital in the past calendar year:  Levi went when he bit through his tongue on vacation last September.  Emily went when she broke her arm roller skating. Gabby went when we thought she had appendicitis (but she actually had constipation).  Hannah went when a cut on her arm became infected. 

 

We decided that it was time to make Brianna a bubble-wrap outfit and force her to wear a helmet at all times.  Just to be safe…

 

First Day - maybe the cool shoes will distract everyone from the five stitches in his chin...

 

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

The Return of Chaos

Chaos has returned to the Bunch Home – with a vengeance!  Bill and I drove to Missoula, Montana with his three kids to pick up my three kids from their Dad.  They’ve been with him in Seattle for the past seven weeks – the longest seven weeks of my life!  (In case you need help with the calculations, that means that Bill and I spent 22 hours in the car with three kids and then 22 hours in the car with six kids…all within 5 days.  My car will never be the same.  I may need therapy.)  I also realized something around the third hour in the car ride home – my “no” button appeared to be broken. 

 

Mom, can we stop for ice cream even though it’s 10am?  N…Yes.

Mom, can we listen to that awful rap station on the radio in the car?  Really Loud?  N…Yes.

Mom, can I have a cookie for lunch?  N…Yes.

 

So here’s the deal.  I’m apparently racked with mom-guilt over being away from them, even though it was out of my control.  Also, I’m not above buying my way out of it.

 

On the first night we were all together, we played a game called How-Many-People-Can-Talk-At-The-Same-Time.  It lasted about 3 hours days. The kids were all tripping over their own tongues to tell each other about all of the excitement of the summer.  I don’t think they were really listening to the actual words of the other people – it was mostly just mutual admiration of their ability to fill the air with noise.  I wish I had made a recording of it to play for myself next time I’m feeling sorry for myself because my house is too quiet.

 

After the little kids had been put to bed, the big kids were still yapping away, soaking up each other’s voices.  Hannah asked if she could speak to Bill and me in private.

 

I am a sixth grade language arts teacher.  One of the units I teach is on persuasive writing.  Hannah has obviously never participated in my class, but apparently she has been going through my lesson plans, because she presented organized point-by-point reasoning in an emotionally controlled persuasive speech which was impossible to rebut.  (Even if my no-button had been working.)

 

Unfortunately, the speech was entitled:  “The Five Reasons We Deserve to get Hamsters.”

 

Oh Qwap.

 

After saying yes, because we are spineless idiots, Bill and I were treated to our reward:  three squealing, shrieking 9-year olds who “love us SOOOO much.”  Then we were awarded, “Best parents in the WHOLE WORLD!”  The prize for this award turned out to be 22 hours in the car with 9-year-old girls shrieking and squealing about hamsters… 

 

So that is how I ended up at the pet store when it opened on Tuesday morning with four little girls (because Gabby wanted one too and at that point we had completely given up trying to keep any sort of handle on the situation).  I announced to the man behind the counter that we had come to purchase a cage and four hamsters to live in it.  The man surveyed the situation, including the squealing, jumping children and the bags under my eyes and decided he’d better hop to it before his store got “Blended.”   (Think birds flying, puppies running and fish flopping…)  He led us to the room where the hamsters were kept.  This is when I had a horrifying realization.  Hamsters are rodents.  They are kept in the same room with the mice and rats.  They stink!  What had I done?!?!?!

 

Realizing that the punishment for Worst Parent Ever was probably worse than the “award” for Best Parent Ever, I sucked it up and bought the freaking hamsters.  And the cage.  And the food, bedding, waterbottles, toys and tubes.  $200 later, our family now included two toddlers, three nine-year-olds, a 12-year old, two dogs, four hamsters, a mother with a broken No-button and a father on a business trip in for a big surprise.  And it was still too early in the day for rum.

 

Back at home, I spent 45 minute on the “Easy to Assemble Cage,” while the girls offered helpful advice like, “I think that yellow piece isn’t really that important,” and “The picture doesn’t look like what you made,” and my personal favorite, “Wouldn’t it be better if you were doing that faster?” 

 

Finally assembled, the cage was ready for the hamsters.  I picked up each of their little boxes and opened them.  Inside each one, I was delighted to find a medium sized hamster…and about 50 little bugs.  Super.

 

The lovely man at the pet store explained when I called him that these were mites, and were “harmless” and “no big deal.”  I’ll show you “no big deal” you derksace.  All I needed to do, he explained calmly, was bring the hamsters back to the store and he would treat them.  They would be fine tomorrow.

 

Great!  So you mean all I have to do is wrestle the hamsters away from the children, load everyone back in the car, drive back to the pet store, herd six kids down the sidewalk into the shop while holding a cage full of bug-infested hamsters and then figure out how to console the hysterical children who just had their “life-long wish” of hamster ownership granted and then smashed within an hour. Then I can return home and scrub the children’s rooms and the children.  No problem.

 

The kids were troopers.  Of course, they are also spoiled rotten – it seems the hamster fiasco had done even more damage to my already-suffering No-button.  Chocolate Chip Pancakes for dinner?  N…Yup.

 

The next morning we retrieved the rodents and brought them home.  The children played with them nonstop for about four hours and then promptly forgot they existed when the television’s force field erased their brains. The only trouble with that was that they forgot about the hamsters who were travelling around the house in the little plastic ball.  Unsupervised. 

 

Note to potential hamster owners:  The plastic hamster balls are NOT hamster-proof.  If left unattended long enough, hamsters CAN and WILL figure out how to pop the lid. 

 

“MO-OM!   My [gasp] hamster [sob] is [sniffle] GOOOOOOOONNNNE!”

 

Oh Qwap.

 

For the rest of the evening, it was my esteemed pleasure to look underneath every piece of furniture we own and inside any crack, crevice or cabinet that was large enough for a hamster to squeeze through.  No luck.

 

Around 2am, long after the children had given up and gone to sleep, I still hadn’t found the stinkin’ hamster.  I started Googling:

 

Google Searches I preformed:

-Find lost hamster

-Hamsters climbing ability

-Hamster – smallest opening fit in

-Where do hamsters hide?

-Fooling nine-year-olds with replacement pets

-Therapy cost for children lied to by their parents

-Where to buy a hamster at 2am

-Where to buy rum at 2am

 

At 3am, I finally gave up and went to sleep, after scattering flour in every doorway so that we might “track” the hamster’s nighttime movement. [shudder]

 

We haven’t found the little critter yet, but we keep finding bits of food and the flour is still getting scattered, so thankfully he is still alive (!) and wandering unattended through my home (?).  I’m sure he will turn up at a very convenient time like when I’m serving lunch to my grandmother, or in the middle of the baby shower I’m hosting next month. 

 

I’d welcome any ideas on how to find a lost hamster.  I’d also welcome anyone who wants to reassure me that I’m not the only one who gives in to ridiculous requests because of mommy-guilt.  And if you know of a way to fix a broken No-button, please help me.

 

Help.

 

I’m living in a houseful of children and rodents running rampant and I’m out of rum.

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

A Very Short Story about a Very Short Girl's Very Short Trip to the Petting Zoo

We took the kids to the petting zoo the other day.  I know what you’re thinking – why take the kids to a petting zoo when our house is already a zoo?  Well, every now and then we think it is important for them to interact with the rest of the human race, and I refuse to take them on errands.  (See why HERE)

So we went to the petting zoo. 

Gabriella likes to communicate with the animals in their native languages, but isn’t tall enough to see over the fences into their pens.  So, she solicits being picked up so that she can peer in and talk to them. 

First came the ducks.  “Quack Quack!” she called over the fence.  The ducks quacked back and waddled away.

Next up were the cows.  “Moo!” she mooed into the pen.  The cows mooed back and kept chewing the grass.

Then came the horses.  “Neigh!” she whinnied.  The horses checked to see if she had any food, and when they discovered that she was both empty-handed and grabby, they walked away.

Finally, we approached a pen that Gabby hadn’t seen before.  We lifted her up so she could peer over the edge.   “Cow?” she asked. 

“Nope, not a cow.” 

“Donkey? Hee - haw?”

“Nope...”

“What IS it?”  she asked, getting frustrated.

“It’s a goat,” I replied.

She got a strange look on her face, turned towards the goats, who had apparently offended her in some way and screamed at the top of her lungs.   This is what she said: Click to hear what Gabby said

The goats ran away. 

Everyone stared. 

We decided it was time to go home. 

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

A Year in Review

We made it.  We aren’t newlyweds anymore.  Our first anniversary was last weekend.  So here’s a recap of the last year:

 

August 2010:

            We woke up married on the first day of August.  After our families left town, we settled in to life of happy - chaos, and went to the grocery store every single day.  We signed the kids up for soccer and started spending every Saturday at the fields.  I started my new job and realized I actually liked teaching sixth grade, even though it was an enormous change from elementary school and some of the kids were taller than I.  I went to my very first county fair, picked up meat from a packing plant (where I was surprised to find an actual cow!) and was introduced to my new country girl life.  It was quite the adjustment!

 

September 2010:

            We took our first family vacation to the Black Hills of South Dakota.   While there, we made our first trip to the emergency room when Levi fell off a picnic bench and bit his tongue in half!  When we returned home, I upped the craziness factor by volunteering to be the Girl Scout leader for the big girls.  At our first event, rollerskating, Emily broke her arm, sending us to the ER for the second time that month.  September also brought my birthday, our first Jewish holiday away from my parents, and Brady, our new Golden Retriever. 

October 2010:

            We finished soccer and started basketball, overlapping for one completely insane Saturday.  We celebrated our first family Halloween. Gabriella decided that she absolutely HAD to be corn.  Corn?!? After scouring every available option for purchase, we ended up making the costume ourselves – and then she won the costume contest at the mall.

 

November 2010:

            In November, my kids went to their dad’s house for our first-ever holiday apart.  Bill’s kids would also spend Thanksgiving with their mom this year.  The Bunch celebrated Thanksgiving early with our new “family,” friends we’d made since moving to South Dakota.  Then, on the real Thanksgiving, Bill and I took our Honeymoon trip to Jamaica!  Five days of rum punch and beach helped ease the pain of being away from our kids on Thanksgiving…

 

December 2010:

            My kids taught Bill’s kids about Hannukah.  Bill’s kids taught my kids about Christmas.  We celebrated the twins’ birthday with a Rock Star Diva Party.  In short, it was present-palooza.  We attended 6 holiday concerts and baked cupcakes for 4 school holiday parties.  We prepared for our first airplane trip!  We planned to take the kids to New York for 5 days to celebrate the New Year with my East Coast Family.  Our trip was delayed by 3 days because of a humungous snowstorm, which increased the ever-growing insanity as we made our way across the country.  We vowed never again to travel in the winter with six kids. 

 

January 2011:

            After giving the kids a whirlwind tour of NYC, we flew home again in time to resume school.  We started ice skating lessons – chaos on ice – and archery.   We got more and more snow and the temperature in our town never once got above zero.  I started collecting scarves and mittens.   The kids stopped thinking that snow was fun.  We couldn’t use our front door for the whole month because the snow covered it.

 

 

February 2011:

            We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day by sharing pink chocolate fondue with all six kids.  We added Volleyball to our list of activities, causing us to have to move to a larger calendar in order to keep track of everyone’s daily events.  Nana and Pop came to visit and we sent the icicle versions of them home a week later. 

 

March 2011:           

            In March we celebrated Gabby’s 5^th birthday with a Cowgirl Birthday Party and Sam’s 11^th with an “I’m-to-cool-for-a-theme” Party that involved pop and Cheetos getting ground into the playroom carpet and several preteen girls on cell phones in our living room.   Bill’s parents surprised us on a day that was both “National No Housework Day” AND “National Beer Day,” which turned out kind of funny.  We took six kids to the circus. March also marked the second time the kids left for a week to visit their dad.  This time there was no Jamaica to distract me and it was just plain hard.  March was also the start of the Girl Scout Cookie Sale, which took over my life for about a month.  We ate more than we sold and I threatened not to be the leader next year unless someone helped.  Bill threatened not to be my husband next year if I tried to do it alone again.  I started blogging and wrote the first chapter of a book.  Bill decided I had officially lost it. 

 

April 2011:

 By April, basketball and ice-skating were over, so we signed the kids up for language classes.  They learned to count to 10 in French, Chinese and Spanish, and that’s about it. We celebrated Passover and Easter as only the Bunch could.  Things started to calm down, or maybe we were just getting used to the chaos.  By the end of the month, it was almost possible to go out of the house without a down parka and insulated ski mask… but it hadn’t stopped snowing yet.  

 

May 2011:

In May, we celebrate Brianna’s 9^th birthday with a Minute-to-Win-It Party, Levi’s 4^th birthday with a race car party, and the last day of school by starting to pack for our summer adventures.   It was weird to end school while it was still sweater-weather outside, but we were happy to have made it through our first year of school in a new place!

 

June 2011:

 We took another family vacation – this time to stay at my parents’ house in Massachusetts for a month!  The kids had lots of adventures and spent some quality time with Nana and Pop. We went to the Mayflower, Fenway Park, The Science Museum, Cape Cod, The New England Aquarium, Codzilla and the Swan Boats.  We coined the term: “You Got Blended,” and used it frequently.  I put my three children on a plane with their father and said good-bye for the rest of the summer, before flying back home with Bill and his three. 

 

July 2011:

Bill and I spent quality time with his kids who now have a wonderful week on/week off schedule between our house and their mom’s.  We were able to take trips back and forth to all sorts of very exciting places – like Broadus, Montana, and Riverton, Wyoming.  We put 10,000 miles on my car and saw 10,000,000 cows, and not much else.  We came back home to spend our first anniversary together in our own home.  With no kids, we had a lot of free time that day and came up with the following numbers to describe our first unbelievable year as a family.

 

This Year In Numbers:

 

-Miles we put on my Honda Pilot:  18,000

 

-Towns we drove through with population less than 1000: 74

 

-Emergency room visits: 5

 

*Facebook - 5 hours in the urgent care, one Payless-Zebra-print-high-heele​d-wearing-googling Nurse and a great big giant shot later and Hannah's infection is under control. Just a disclaimer: I have nothing against Payless OR Zebra print high-heels. Neither, however, inspired confidence this afternoon...

 

Times I’ve embarrassed myself in front of the neighbors: 3 (that I know of)

 

Photographs I’ve taken: 9,000

 

Photographs I’ve scrapbooked: 9

 

Times I’ve said, “Shhhh”: 8,947,216

 

Times I’ve glared at strangers for saying, “Shhhhh” to my kids:  298

 

Dates: 15

 

Family Vacations: 3

 

Vacations alone with Bill: 1

 

States we’ve visited: 9

 

Foreign Countries visited: 1

 

Family Sick Days: 22

 

Times we actually got dinner on the table by 5:00: 46

Birthday Parties: 6

Sporting events we’ve watched:  321

Number of gates at our airport: 1

 

Number of times I’ve walked through that gate: 8

 

Visits from the tooth fairy: 16

 

Gallons of milk: 300

 

Cartons of eggs: 64

 

Grocery Store Trips: 104

 

Chances we would trade any of it for the world: 0

 

Copyright © Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

 

 

Flyin'

Sometimes when I’m loading three to six kids, 875 suitcases, eight carry-ons and my husband onto a plane, I have trouble remembering why we moved in together.  It certainly was easier to fly across the country by myself…

On the way to Boston at the beginning of June, I flew with my three kids out of the Minneapolis airport.  They are nine, nine and twelve, and have been flying since they were born, so they are pretty good at it.  They understand the basics – just do as you’re told, keep track of your crap and don’t worry, mom packed enough toys, books and snacks in your backpack to last six months.

I can settle them in with whichever electronic game/music device/dvd player they haven’t lost yet and spend the next two hours reading, writing or drinking $7 cocktails from a plastic cup.  I know if I yell “run” in an airport, they will run.  They have been known to make it all the way through an airport in four minutes.  I know if I say “hold it.” They will hold it.  If I say “jump,” they say, “how high?”  If I say “shush,” well, they are kids, right? 

Bill’s kids have not traveled nearly as often, so I was a bit concerned about their journey to the East coast two weeks later.  They have only flown a handful of times.  Each time, they were excited and happy, but not quite as independent…or quiet.

Bill’s excitement started the night before.  He called to say that Brianna had chosen a dinner location in Minneapolis inside the Mall of America.  I told him I was sure that she was just really excited about crepes and that her decision probably had nothing to do with the gigantic amusement park in the center of the mall…

About two hours later, Bill called again.  He sounded half dead and I could hear the kids screaming behind him.  It seemed they were staging a mutiny.  “I broke my flip flop,” he said.  He sounded like he might be slowly dying inside.  “I don’t know what to do.” The Mall of America is a wonderful tourist attraction, but it is completely useless for locating the one item you actually need – especially if you are trying to do it with three kids who are hyped up on sugar and roller coaster rides.  I politely suggested that perhaps he could visit one of the 95 thousand available shops in the Mall of America, but he was in no shape to try things on or make fashion decisions.  I googled his favorite kind of sandals and found them at the DSW in the mall.  I called over there and got a friendly saleswoman on the phone.

“How can I help you?”

“I’ve made a tragic mistake…I sent my husband and three small children to the mall and I fear they won’t make it out, forget about finding what they’re looking for.”

 “Oh, honey!  How can I help!?”

I laughed, gave her the item number for Bill’s favorite flip flops and asked her to see if she could locate a pair in his size.  She came back to the phone a few minutes later, successful and still laughing.

“Thank you so much,” I gushed.  “Please keep them at the front desk for him.  He’ll be the one who looks like he just took three kids to the mall and his life might be over…”

I texted Bill that his shoes were waiting from him at the DSW and gave him the exact mall location.  Judging from his grateful response, I’m pretty sure he had been ready to give up and was planning to fly across the country barefoot.

Bill's mall adventure with the children left me more than a little concerned about the upcoming cross-country flight, but the next morning he seemed to be off to a pretty good start.  He texted about two and half hours before his flight,  “In a strange turn of events, we are on the shuttle to the airport…wait for it…wait…30 minutes early!” 

I texted back in awe and received the following response:  “Hopefully we will have everything when we get there…luggage, toys, kids, limbs, eyes, noses…you know, the essentials.” 

Me: “LOL”

Him: “Holy $#!% Batman!  Through Security!  Hotel to gate in less than 30 minutes!

Me: “Woah! I’m impressed!”

Him: “Phst…ain’t nothing, just 10 minutes per kid.

Then, a few minutes later…

Him: First lost item: Levi going to the bathroom realized he doesn’t have any underwear on.

 Oh well, at least he had the “essentials.”  The good news is that when I packed Levi’s carry-on, I had included several extra pairs of underwear…

A few hours later, Bill looked absolutely exhausted as he approached the baggage carousel in Logan airport, but he had managed to make it with all three kids intact.  He stood by as the kids clamored around me to tell their stories about their travels.  Loaded down with the kids’ backpacks, stuffed animals and snacks, he looked like he had been through hell. 

He related to me a story of spilled drinks, flight-attendant-button-pushing shenanigans, spilled crackers, broken DVD players, lost toys, delayed flights, spilled legos, bathroom emergencies and noise-barrier breaking screams.  I promised him that when he and I flew home with his kids two weeks later, he wouldn’t be quite so outnumbered.

I'd tell you the story of our flight home, but I'm still repressing the memory.  I'm not 100 percent certain that Frontier Airlines will let us fly with them again.  I'm not 100 percent certain that I want to...

I’ve flown with all six kids, with my three, with his three and just with Bill.  There are benefits to each one, truly – with all six you get pre-boarding.  With Bill I get an extra tray to hold my drinks.  But alone, flying is the most relaxing thing I get to do, ever.  I am completely unreachable.  It doesn’t matter if you have spilled your milk, lost your favorite toy/cd/electronic device, or if your brother just smacked you.  Someone else is in charge – Mama’s flyin’.  

© Jody Hoffman 2011

 

 

Our First Date...Revisited

Bill and I had a four-day first date.   When we were both single parents of three, we called to chat with complain to our mutual friend about our situations.   When she was sick of having the same conversation twice everyday, she  “introduced” us.  “Just talk to each other!” she said. “I don’t have time for this!”  So we did.

We began talking on the phone about six weeks before we met for the first time.  We lived 2000 miles apart, but connected so strongly that he bought the plane tickets the morning after our first conversation – which had lasted 5 hours.   He flew to our friend’s house in Connecticut and I drove down to meet him.  Amazingly, there was never a moment of awkwardness or nervousness about meeting for the first time.  We both felt like we had been together forever and were just on vacation.  Since it had been such a wonderfully relaxing and gorgeous first date, we decided recently to take the children on a tour of the places we had visited.  It wasn’t exactly the same…

On our First Date, Bill and I went to Black Point Beach – a beautiful, quiet beach on the Long Island Sound.  I used to go to this beach every summer when my maternal grandparents were alive.  This is what it looked like when I took my three kids there:

This is what it looked like when Bill and I went there on our First Date:

This is what it looked like (after an hour of pleading and a bag of Twizzlers as a bribe) when we took all 6 kids there:

 

 On our First Date, Bill and I went for a walk on a Boardwalk.  He was disappointed when he heard that there was no ice cream stand nearby as he had “imagined us walking on the boardwalk licking ice cream cones.”  Intrigued that this man had been “imagining” us on our date, I also felt disappointed that this part of his vision would not come true.  We pulled into the parking lot of the boardwalk and noticed that they were nailing a sign to the side of what had been an antique store the summer before.  It said, “Gumdrops and Lollipops: Homemade Candy…and Ice Cream Shop.”  What?  As our date and our life continued, we would come to expect these silly twists of fate that worked like neon signs pointing us towards the obvious conclusion that we were meant to be together.   This was the first one.  The ice cream store was opening as we spoke.  Our cones were the first ones ever served there. When we went back the following summer and dropped off a photo from that first date and explained what had happened, the owner exclaimed, “You should get married here!”  This summer we brought them a wedding photo…They remembered us.

This is what it looked like when Bill and I went to the ice cream shop on our first date:

 

 This is what it looked like when we took all 6 kids to the ice cream shop:

On our First Date, Bill and I drove from the ice cream store to Harkness Park, a gorgeous historic estate complete with a mansion, gardens, and a beach.   We wandered around: holding hands, sitting for photos, kissing embarrassingly. It was beautiful.  It was calm.  It was perfect.

This is what it looked like when we went to Harkness Park on our First Date:

This is what it looked like when we bribed the kids to sit in the same spot:

 

This is what it really looked like when the kids were at the estate.

 

 Before Bill arrived for our first date, I had done some research on seafood spots near where we were staying.  (I hate seafood, but he loves it and I was pretending. Plus I was pretty sure they’d have something else for me to eat.)  When I found Bill’s Seafood, I thought for sure I had it right.  He loved it.  I loved him.  They had chicken. It was perfect.

This is what it looked like when Bill and I went to Bill’s Seafood:

This is what it looked like when we took all 6 kids to Bill’s Seafood:

*Facebook  - Sorry, Bill’s Seafood, we didn’t know that the lobster would scare Gabby, causing her to scream in your restaurant.  Also, we understand that the seagulls would rather not have had Levi throwing ketchup-covered French fries at them.  You just got Blended.

After our re-created first date, we drove back to Nana and Pop’s house with exhausted, sandy children.  We put them to bed and collapsed into a heap on the couch.  When we were wandering through the Connecticut shore that April day, we could never have imagined where we would end up two years later.  Our recreated date was definitely not as calm or relaxing as the real first date - in fact it was completely insane.  But it was, just as the first one, exactly what we were looking for.  Our friend introduced us way back then because she wanted to change our lives.  She had no idea.

 

© Jody Hoffman 2011

You Just Got Blended

Remember how your mom told you, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all?”  Well, folks, how about this one: If you see someone desperately trying to wrangle 6 kids covered in mud, chocolate or spaghetti sauce, running, screaming or pinching each other, and you don’t have anything helpful to say, Just.Shut.Up.

There are two sentences I have heard enough times in the past year to last a lifetime, so be warned. 

1.  Wow!  You have your hands full!

If you say this to me, please be prepared to offer your own hands to assist me.  I WILL be handing one of the children to you, and it’s either going to be the one who’s screaming or the one covered in something gross.

2.  Are they ALL yours?  (Choose a response):

-Yes, but you can have one.  I get to pick.

-No.  Just this one is mine.  I don’t know why all those other ones keep following me around.

or

-Just.Shut.Up

Perhaps people are inclined to say these things to me because when my family goes out, we do not visit stores, restaurants and landmarks…we invade them.  Waitresses cry, store owners cringe and hide valuables, security guards call for back up.  I think I should have some sort of card I hand out to people after we descend on their establishment. "You just got...Blended."  This was especially apparent on our day trip to Plymouth and Cape Cod last Tuesday.  It started immediately and lasted all day…

Sorry Dunkin’ Donuts – we didn’t mean to change our mind thirty times, force a line to continue out the door, spill three frozen hot chocolates and somehow get jelly filling on the doorknobs to both bathrooms… You just got Blended.

Sorry Plymouth Rock Gift Shop – we promise to pay you back for the broken shot glass and I think at some point you’ll probably be able to find the correct location for all the stuffed animals, shells and magnets we moved.

*Facebook - Plymouth Rock Gift Shop: You've just been Blended. #sorry #butwespentalotof$

Sorry Mayflower II Replica – we know you are a historical landmark and we understand why you were angry when we tried to climb out of the port holes and pull down the sails.  We really just wanted to look down through the cracks in the deck at the water anyway.  You just got Blended.

 

After we felt that Plymouth had been sufficiently Blended, we decided to take the kids to the beach.  Since we were looking at the ocean, we didn’t think it would be that difficult.  Bill and I used to do this thing where we would just drive until the GPS map turned blue and find a beach.  We flew by the seat of our pants and didn’t worry about the outcome.  This does not work with six kids.  They want the beach NOW.  They don’t like spending 2 hours in the car looking for the freakin’ beach because the GPS doesn’t understand what private roads or U-turns are.  They are tired.  And they need to eat.  And they don’t wanna sit in this stinkin’ car anymore. 

*Facebook – Bill and I and the six kids are currently lost in the middle of Cape Cod, inexplicably incapable of finding a beach.  I think we just “Blended” ourselves.

Finally, I gave up trying to navigate or use any form of electronic assistance and told Bill to find the stinkin’ beach.  He pulled over, asked directions and had us at a beach in 4 minutes.  This is why I should not be in charge.

*Facebook - Hey Beach: You’re on notice.   As we pulled in, one kid said, "Wow, it’s so quiet here!" And another said, "AHHHHHH! THE BEACH!"...You’re gonna get Blended.

The kids had a wonderful time at the beach and everything was fairly calm (other than the obvious water-fighting, crab-catching and seaweed-throwing), until Emily’s beach ball started blowing down the beach…and into the ocean.  By the time anyone noticed, it was 50 yards out to sea.  I apologized and told her it was too far to swim and we would have to get another one later.  But before she could even form the tears, Bill came racing down the beach Baywatch-style and dove into the waves.  He swam and swam and swam until he reached the ball, which was now an entire football field away from the shore.  Then he tried desperately to catch it, apparently realizing that there was no way he could make it back without a floatation device.  After reaching for and missing the drifting ball 10 times, he finally captured it.  The kids watched and cheered… until they lost interested and ran back down the beach.  As I chased after them, a man on the beach remarked, “So you’re just gonna leave him out there, are ya?”  Sorry dude, I’ve got one parent half-drowning at sea and six kids trying to drown each other – this beach just got Blended.

  That tiny dot off in the horizon is Bill...

As we packed our sandy, wet children into the cars, Bill asked a local man where would be a good place to take sandy, wet children to eat dinner.  The man recommended a place in the cute little town on Main Street.  In hindsight, we probably should not have trusted this man as a good resource.  His two perfectly dressed children had stood next to him during our entire conversation without interrupting until the end when they politely said, “Excuse us, Papa, would it be all right if we went over to the sand, please?  We promise not to go into the water until you join us.”  Maybe his version of kid-friendly restaurant was not the same as ours.  We were pretty much looking for a padded room filled with bouncy balls.

*Facebook - Ok-you vote. The children's menu at the Cape Cod restaurant we just walked into says: “For Well-Behaved Children..." Do we Blend them? Or cut them a break and go find a McDonalds?

As it turned out when we went back to the hostess to politely excuse ourselves, she informed us sweetly that the restaurant actually had two parts, a formal dinning room, and a tavern side with an arcade.  Oh!  That’s where we belong.  Then we went on to have a wonderful dinner and would like to recommend that you try the Chatham Squire TAVERN (not dining room) if you ever end up on Cape Cod.  (Unless, of course, you have Stepford Children, in which case head on over to the formal dining room.)  By the way, if you can get Sara to be your waitress, even better – she sure understands how to handle a table-full of kids, and doesn't mind if you fling mash potatoes at her!

Exhausted and happy, we pulled back into Nana and Pop’s house around 11pm.  And then decided to wake the kids up early the next morning and take them into the city.  I know what you’re thinking – We have our hands full…and our brain’s empty! 

*Facebook - Oh no! Nap time and we're in the middle of Boston! Sorry Guy-at-Fanueil-Hall-that's-wearing Levi's-soda...you just got Blended.

© Jody Hoffman 2011

Errand Nightmares

*Facebook 6/28/11 - Somebody just shushed my kids. Lady, YOU try being one of six kids in line at the post office. Grrrr.

I love my children.  I want to spend as much time as possible with them.  I want to cherish every moment of their growing-up years.  I want to lovingly tend to their every need at any time of the day.

But I don’t want to take them on errands.  Or out anywhere, really. 

It all comes down to the numbers:

Example 1 - Grocery Shopping:

 -Time needed to do weekly grocery shopping alone: 1 hour.

-Time needed to do weekly grocery shopping with six kids: 2.5 hours, plus 30 minutes for the trip back to get the things I forgot because they were filling my brain with nonsensical noise.

-Total Amount spent when doing grocery shopping alone: $250

-Total Amount spent when doing grocery shopping with 6 kids: $350 ($50 for things they need that I didn’t think of, $25 for items they hide in the cart, and $25 extra added to the liquor budget because I’m going insane by the time I hit that aisle.)

-Number of times hearing the words, “But Mo-Om, I waaaant it!” when shopping with 6 kids: 198,874,209,782

-Number of times hearing those words when shopping alone: 0  (unless it is from someone else’s kid, in which case I can just switch aisles)

 -Probability that the designer of the “impulse aisle” can actually see into my mind and has created said aisle using exact specifications of my worst nightmare: 75%

 

Example 2: Going to the Movies

-Cost of going to the movies without children: $60 (including the babysitter)

-Cost of going to the movies with children: $160 (not including the pina colada I will need afterward)

 -Number of spilled beverages when going to the movies without children: 0

-Number of spilled beverages when going to the movies with children: 8, unless the people in front of us aren’t watching closely enough, then 10

 -Number of movie minutes lost to go to the bathroom when going to the movies alone: 0

-Number of movie minutes lost to go to the bathroom when going to the movies with 6 kids: 97

 

Example 3: The Mall

-Number of minutes in Bath and Body Works when shopping alone: as many as I want

-Number of minutes in Bath and Body Works when shopping with 6 kids: about 2 before they break something.  (sidebar: Number of dollars spent on broken Bath and Body Works items while shopping with kids: $39)

 -Number of minutes in Claire’s when shopping with 6 kids: 9 million

-Number of minutes in Claire’s when shopping alone: 0!

 -Number of quarters in arcade games when shopping with 6 kids: 24

-Number of quarters in arcade games when shopping alone: 0

(-Number of quarters in arcade games when shopping with Bill: 10)

 

Example 4: Going Out to Dinner

- Percentage chance that we will end up in a restaurant where someone is wearing a tie when we go out to dinner alone: 30%

- Percentage chance that we will end up in a restaurant where someone is wearing a tie when we go out to dinner with 6 kids: 0%

-Percentage chance that, when going out to dinner with 6 kids, we will end up in a restaurant where someone is wearing Levi’s dinner: 65%

 

Example 5: The Bank Drive Through

-Number of “ooh cool”s when the bank drive-through sucks up the container when I am alone in the car: 0

-Number of “ooh cool”s when the bank drive thru sucks up the container when all 6 kids are the car: 7 (Okay, I admit it.  Sometimes when they are around everything seems more exciting.)

 -Percentage chance that when all 6 kids are in the car I will get the math right: 3%

-Percentage chance that I will get all the math right even if they’re not in the car: 4% (Who are we kidding?)

-Number of lollipop wrappers on the floor of my car when I get home after taking all 6 kids through the bank drive-through: 6

-Number of lollipop wrappers on the floor of my car when I get home after going to the bank drive-through alone: 0

-Percentage chance that my floor is so covered with other things they’ve left behind I wouldn’t notice anyway: 100%

 Okay fine, that one is a wash.  They can still come with me to the bank.

 

Summary

-Average number of errands I run each day: 4

-Probability that at least one errand each day will be for milk: 100%

-Number of times per week I wake up in the middle of the night from errand-related nightmares: 3

-Likelihood that Bill will buy me one of those tiny little electric cars so that it is just impossible for me to take anyone with me when I go on errands: 0%.

-Likelihood that Bill will allow me to hire a live-in nanny to stay with the children while I run errands: 0%

-Likelihood that I will stop asking Bill for both of the above: 0%.

*Facebook 5/18/11 - Going to the grocery store for the 93rd time this week since no one in my house can get it together to tell me we're RUNNING OUT of something - only MOM! IT'S ALL GONE AND I NEED IT NOW! I may drive past the store and go straight to Vegas.

 

 

 © Jody Hoffman 2011